As you know, federal law stipulates that each summer every
American family must drive at least 14 hours in a Plymouth
Voyager with no air conditioning to visit Mount Rushmore, just so
the children can estimate how many canoes they could stuff up
Teddy Roosevelt's nostrils.
But shouldn't there be a Mount Rushmore for our greatest sports
figures? Of course there should! That's why we're unveiling Mount
Rushmores for sports all over the country. The four honorees
selected for each of the monuments below are etched in stone--no
arguments. Drag your kids to see them soon!
Baseball (Dyersville, Iowa)--Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Ted Williams,
Umps (Pearle Vision Express, Mall of America)--Eric Gregg, Terry
Tata, Ron Luciano. (Not enough room for a fourth.)
August 5, 2001
Basketball (Rucker Park in Harlem)--Michael Jordan, Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, Larry Bird.
Cheerleaders (Sherman Oaks Galleria)--Raquel Welch, Dyan Cannon,
Ann-Margret, George W. Bush (yes, he was).
Pro football (Wheaton, Ill.)--Red Grange, Jim Brown, Dick Butkus,
College football (Lincoln, Neb.)--Herschel Walker, Johnny Rodgers,
Archie Griffin, former Supreme Court Justice Byron (Whizzer)
Gentlemen (Savannah)--Byron Nelson, Dale Murphy, Kirby Puckett,
Jerks (Hell)--Bob Knight, Ben Hogan, Billy Martin, Howard Cosell.
Boxing (Detroit)--Joe Louis, Rocky Marciano, Muhammad Ali, Teofilo
Horse racing (Lexington, Ky.)--Secretariat (other three too far
behind him to make them out).
Jockeys (Tiny Town, Colo.)--Tod Sloan, Eddie Arcaro, Bill
Shoemaker, Laffit Pincay Jr.
Ping-Pong (Tacoma, Wash.)--Wang Tao, Lu Lin, Liu Guoliang, Forrest
Golf (Pinehurst, N.C.)--Bobby Jones, Ben Hogan, Jack Nicklaus,
Coaches (Oxford, Ohio)--Vince Lombardi, John Wooden, Tom (Old
Stone Face) Landry, Bela Karolyi.
Track (Eugene, Ore.)--Jesse Owens, Carl Lewis, Paavo Nurmi, Jackie
Field (Lawrence, Kans.)--Jim Thorpe, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Al
Oerter, Rafer Johnson.
Auto racing (Talladega, Ala.)--A.J. Foyt, Alain Prost, Richard
Petty and my whole durn Fram-Pennzoil-Goody's-Headache-Powder
Fiction (Springfield)--Chip Hilton, Gil Thorp, Roy Hobbs, Sam
Goats (Buffalo)--Fred Merkle, Roberto DeVicenzo, Jackie Smith,
Gymnastics (Houston)--Nadia Comaneci, Olga Korbut, Larysa
Latynina, that Ken doll in American Anthem.
Hockey (Lake Placid, N.Y.)--Gordie Howe, Bobby Orr, Vladislav
Tretiak, Wayne Gretzky.
Lacrosse (Baltimore)--Jim Brown, Casey Powell, the Gait brothers.
Mascots (Orlando)-- Max Patkin, Uga I, San Diego Chicken, Phoenix
Skateboarding (steps in front of the DMV in Redondo Beach,
Calif.)--Tony Hawk profile from the left, Tony Hawk from the
right, Tony Hawk from straight on, Tony Hawk upside down.
Skiing (Winter Park, Colo.)--Jean-Claude Killy, Hermann Maier,
Alberto Tomba trying to look down Suzy Chaffee's blouse.
Soccer (Columbus, Ohio)--Mia Hamm and three Brazilians with one
Swimming (Mission Viejo, Calif.)--Buster Crabbe, Mark Spitz, Janet
Evans, Duke Kahanamoku.
Tennis (Compton, Calif.)--Bill Tilden, Rod Laver, Pete Sampras,
Wives (Boca Raton, Fla.)--Barbara Nicklaus, Marilyn Monroe, Cindy
Garvey, Susanne Kekich-Marilyn Peterson (one entry).
Definitely Not Wives (Caesars Palace, Las Vegas)--Mamie Van Doren,
Madonna, Carmen Electra, Anna Kournikova.
And if I hear any arguing, I'll turn this car around right now.