Every Answer But Iverson Carnac is back to prophesy the response to your every sports question

October 14, 2001

Please welcome, after one year in exile, our mysterious visitor
from the East--seer, sage, soothsayer--Carnac the Magnificent, who
will, in his divine and mystical way, ascertain the answers to
your sports questions without ever having seen them. Ready, O
Great One?

Carnac: I must have absolute silence....

Answer: Daffy Duck.
Question: What did Dizzy Dean tell his brother when they walked
under a ladder?

A: Brushback.
Q: What should you do if a Laker Girl brushes against you?

A: The rough, not the fairway.
Q: How does Marty McSorley fight?

A: Sugar baby.
Q: What does Dick Vitale put in his coffee?

A: Heidi Heidi Heidi Ho.
Q: Describe four consecutive pages of the SI swimsuit issue.

A: Crunch 'n' Munch.
Q: Name the respective ab workouts of Eddie George and Tony
Siragusa.

A: Jerry curls.
Q: What does Jerry Glanville do if you leave him too long on the
radiator?

A: Caesar dressing.
Q: What does one see when looking at a cheerleader through the
peephole in the locker room at Veterans Stadium?

A: Bob and weave.
Q: Name the respective hairstyles of Dorothy Hamill and Marv
Albert.

A: Iron Mike Ditka.
Q: What should you do when Mike Ditka gets wrinkly?

A: Gladiator.
Q: Describe Rich Garces after he accidentally ate a woman who
approached his table for an autograph.

A: Kwame Brown.
Q: What is J. Crew's worst-selling color of roll-neck sweater?

A: Benchmarks.
Q: What does Ryan Leaf have on his butt?

A: Love-15.
Q: What does Steve Garvey do after meeting 20 groupies?

A: Cuban sandwich.
Q: What's the final (and most dreaded) number demanded at
Mavericks dance-team tryouts?

A: Gaelic hurling.
Q: What do you see in Times Square on St. Patrick's Day?

A: High and dry.
Q: Describe J.R. Rider in galoshes.

A: Necktie.
Q: What did Ty Cobb's wife do in the back of their Buick?

A: Blockbuster.
Q: What do other patrons do when Buster Douglas approaches a
buffet?

A: Kellogg's Corn Flakes.
Q: Why won't Clark Kellogg's pedicurist see him anymore?

A: McEnroe.
Q: What does a rapper do in a canoe?

A: Milk Duds.
Q: What did a lonely dairy farmer try to do to Chris Dudley?

A: Brian Griese.
Q: Why no one touch Brian?

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: DAN PICASSO

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)