Don't worry. The cretins on the other side of the glass can't see
you. That's a one-way mirror. Just take your time and try to
identify which of these Spam brains was the worst menace in
sports last week.
O.K., Number 1. Step out.
This is former Dallas Cowboys lineman Nate Newton. We pulled him
over in a van carrying 213 pounds of marijuana. That would be
enough for 141,769 joints or, used medicinally, enough to make a
blind man see. The pot had a munchies equivalent of two semis
filled with Cheetos, which, considering Nate checks in at about
400 pounds, might just be enough for him. Amazingly, Nate didn't
try to swallow the evidence.
Number 2, step out.
This is baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Homicide brought him in
on charges of a) plotting to murder two teams--probably the
Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Expos; b) choking the buzz out
of one of the greatest World Series; c) killing any chance there
was of avoiding a lockout or strike next season; and d) scamming
for his own dog-ass Milwaukee Brewers, who would muscle in on the
Twins' fans and TV market if Minnesota gets whacked. On the plus
side, he flosses regularly.
Let's go, Number 3.
This is New York Jets defensive back Damien Robinson. He was
busted for the ugliest face-masking since Tammy Faye Bakker.
Robinson says he didn't know that he had hold of New Orleans
Saints' quarterback Aaron Brooks's face mask. What did you think
it was, Damien, orthodontic headgear? A month ago an assault
rifle, ammunition and high-capacity clips were found in the back
of his SUV. The Jets fined him $30,000 for that, giving him a
total of $50,000 in fines in one month--breaking the record held
Clank on out, Number 4.
This human tattoo is Saints tackle Kyle Turley, whom the
psych-ward guys hauled in after he went so bonkers about the
face-masking of Brooks that he pried Robinson's helmet off and
threw it downfield, costing the Saints the game and himself
$25,000. Not the brightest guy. (Psst! Hey, Kyle, next time you
want to rip a player's helmet off, better check the back of his
Step out, Number 5. Yeah, you with the boa.
This is former NBA star Dennis Rodman, who's in here so much,
he's running a tab. We got him this time for disturbing our
stomachs. He's negotiating to be part owner of an Irving,
Calif., restaurant, which he wants to rename Rodman's Roadhouse.
He plans to add an area for tattooing and body piercing. Sounds
yummy, huh? Tattooing, piercing and fine dining? Let's see....
I'll have a Fuzzy Navel and something to drink. When you want
the Mom's Special, are you talking about the meat loaf or a
tattoo? Waiter, your fly is in my soup. Somewhere, a
health-department inspector drools.
O.K., step out, Number 6.
This is Atlanta Hawks guard Jacque Vaughn, whom we brought in
for using a deadly blunt instrument--his jumper. He started the
season 0 for 22 from the field, tied with that frozen cadaver
down in forensics. The amazing part, though, is what Vaughn said
afterward: "My shot feels good." Your shot feels good, Jacque?
What shot? Your allergy shot? Your tequila shot? "I'll turn it
around," said Vaughn. Sure enough, he did. The next game he went
1 for 5. But his shot felt good.
O.K., Number 7. You in the suit.
The bunco squad got this guy on a scam. He represents Pittsburgh
TV station KDKA, which was caught taking the live network feed
of the Steelers-Kansas City Chiefs game, sneaking in an extra
30-second ad and then cutting the game feed a little at a time
to fit the ad in. Hey, geniuses, did it occur to you that some
people watch the game on TV but listen on the radio? Those
people could see the telecast was lagging 30 seconds behind! The
KDKA staff's punishment, of course, will be having to watch
1,000 hours of cheesy Fox promos.
Number 8, you're last.
This is L.A. Clippers star Lamar Odom, who admitted at a tearful
press conference that he'd been caught smoking dope for the
second time in eight months. The narcs, however, think he was
crying because he heard Nate Newton's van wasn't coming.
O.K., that's it. Unfortunately, we've got to let them all go.
We've got to make room for real trouble. Bob Knight is about to
start coaching again.
Tammy Faye Bakker.