I'll Have What He's Having
This is an article from the Dec. 24, 2001 issue
Angela Ermakova, a waitress at a hip London restaurant, was
awarded $1.5 million in a paternity suit that proved her daughter
was conceived during a tryst in the restaurant's broom closet
with Boris Becker.
Gimme All Your Money or by God I'll Start a 4x100 Relay in Here!
Fairleigh Dickinson basketball player Lloyd Price was charged
with robbing a Teaneck, N.J., convenience store with a starter's
pistol, which his shaky nerves caused him to drop, which
required him to bend over to retrieve the weapon, which caused
his hood to fall off, which allowed the store clerk to recognize
Price as a frequent customer.
And, with an Audible Pop, He Felt His Last Remaining Particle
of Dignity Vanish
Loath to waste one of his five official recruiting visits,
Florida basketball coach Billy Donovan flew to Raleigh, where he
stood in a parking lot and waved to prospect Shavlik Randolph as
he arrived at school. Donovan then flew home to Gainesville, and
Randolph signed with Duke.
And, with an Audible Pop, He Felt His Last Remaining Particle of
Dignity Obliterated By Frozen Wienies
Jason Freitag attended Opening Day at Miller Park as a guest of
the Brewers. During a game the previous season, Freitag had been
hit on the head by a 10-pound box of frozen bratwurst dropped
from an overhead ramp.
According to the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten, Norway's new
fisheries minister wants to market the country's controversial
practice of clubbing baby seals as an "exclusive experience for
tourists. That could be a hit."
Now Being Marketed As An Exclusive Experience For Tourists Down
Australian rugby player John Hopoate received a 12-match
suspension for repeatedly jabbing his finger up the butts of
He Politely Declined John Hopoate's Offer to Remove It
A Newcastle fan required surgery to remove a coin that flew from
his pocket and lodged in his throat while he celebrated a score
early in Australia's National Rugby League grand final. The
20-year-old fan stayed for the rest of the game, attempting to
wash down the coin with beer.
He Also Had a 24-Second Clock
Almost two years after Wilt Chamberlain's death, his L.A. house
languished on the market, despite its swim-through living room,
wall-to-wall waterbed and a traffic signal in which green read
LOVE and red read DON'T LOVE.
Six Months in Prison for Theft: Priceless
A University of Kansas student whose purse was stolen was told
by her credit card provider that her card had just been used to
order a pizza from Domino's. The student got the address for the
delivery and called police, who arrested two Jayhawks football
players. They are pleading not guilty.
Osama Like It Hot
Beach volleyballer Maurizia Cacciatori said women in her sport
are discriminated against, "just as Afghan women wearing burkas
The foreman of the jury that acquitted Mark Chmura of sexually
assaulting a 17-year-old girl conceded that the former Packers
tight end "put himself in a bad situation by being drunk with
kids in a hot tub in his underwear."
And for the Love of God, Stay Out of Our Hot Tub
A practice-squad player for the Packers was turned down for an
apartment lease in De Pere, Wis., merely because he's a Packer.
Chivalry Isn't Dead, but Someone Busted a Cap in Its Ass
Former Carolina Panther receiver Rae Carruth, convicted of
conspiracy to commit murder in the shooting death of his
pregnant girlfriend, said of her, "I didn't even know her last
name until we went to Lamaze class."
Affirmed, Not Yaz
An Associated Press headline read TRIPLE CROWN WINNER EUTHANIZED.
"Spice Channel" Was Just Too Cumbersome
Jason Curiel of San Antonio named his newborn son Espn, after his
favorite cable network.
Why, Yes, Tim, and There's a Funny Story Behind That...
While discussing, on the air, technological advances in baseball,
Fox announcer Tim McCarver said to Yankees manager Joe Torre,
"Speaking of technology, Joe, technology has kept [your brother]
alive over the past five years...."
That May Be True, But Dick Vitale's Neighbors Are Still Going to
Deadbolt Their Doors
The logos of the XFL's Memphis Maniax--a crazed man and ax--were
denounced by the National Mental Health Association, which
declared that the mentally ill are not prone to violence.
Other Than That, He Was Good People
In a brief obituary The New York Times eulogized two-time
American League batting champion Ferris Fain thusly: "He had a
drinking problem, got into barroom brawls, and three decades
after leaving baseball was sent to a state prison in California
for growing marijuana."
Throw 'em a Bone, Sepp
FIFA president Sepp Blatter hinted that he'd like cohost South
Korea to suspend dog-eating during the 2002 World Cup.
But They Promised Not to Eat It During World Cup Competition
Two Baylor baseball players were charged with animal cruelty
after shooting, decapitating and skinning a cat named Queso.
But I Was So Much Older Then, I'm Younger Than That Now
Lakers swingman Kobe Bryant, asked if he'll ever again compete
in the NBA Slam Dunk contest, said, "I think I'm too old right
now. Maybe down the road."
It's Three Coins in the Fountain? My Bad
A Liverpool FC soccer fan was stabbed in a fight with AS Roma
fans in Rome. Later that day, several Liverpool supporters threw
three people--two Bangladeshi gadget salesmen and a Japanese
tourist--into Trevi Fountain.
Two Minutes for Slashing
A Baptist minister who was refereeing a basketball game for
seven- and eight-year-olds in Fayetteville, Ga., was charged
with cutting one of the coaches with a three-inch pocketknife
during a postgame argument.
A Week on the DL for Stupidity
Padres pitcher Adam Eaton missed a start after suffering an
inch-deep cut in his stomach while opening a new DVD with a
It's All Part of a Four-Decade Plan to Bore Myself to Death
Seventy-one-year-old Dion Rich gate-crashed his 32nd consecutive
I Played for Cleveland?
Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez was asked if his former team,
the Indians, had him tested for attention-deficit disorder. "If
they did," said Ramirez, "I don't remember it."
9/11? Man, I Got to Make Payments on My Porsche 911
Red Sox catcher and union representative Scott Hatteberg
abandoned plans for a team donation to victims of the Sept. 11
tragedy when some of his teammates refused to give up a day's
Would This Be a Bad Time to Ask for a Day's Pay?
At the team's second workout after Sept. 11, then Red Sox
outfielder Carl Everett showed up late, cursed out his manager
and called him a racist. He was sent home for the rest of the
season and later traded to the Rangers.
And Your Fly Is Down
In a game against the Celtics, Cavaliers forward Lamond Murray
was streaking for an uncontested layup when he heard someone
shout, "Wrong way!" Murray dribbled into a corner, unaware that
the warning had come from Celtics forward Paul Pierce.
Wrong Way! No, Really
Dalibor Bagaric, third-string center for the Bulls, played an
entire game against the Heat with his shorts on backward.
I Sincerely Regret Not Taking Into Account Wake Forest
North Carolina basketball coach Matt Doherty wrote a formal
letter of apology after he was overheard shouting in a huddle at
Cameron Indoor Stadium: "Duke still has the ugliest cheerleaders
in the ACC."
Which Is Why All My Juries Are Hung
The daughters of deceased Brazilian soccer star Garrincha sued a
biographer who claimed that their father was a "sex machine"
with a 9.8-inch penis. Judge Joao Wehbi Dib dismissed the suit,
saying, "Having a big penis is a reason for pride in this
And Speaking of Big Units
In a spring training game Randy Johnson threw a fastball that hit
a dove, which exploded and fell to earth in a hail of white
He's Now Playing H-Back
Former NFL quarterback Todd Marinovich was arrested for heroin possession.
New, from Hershey's--with Or Without Nuts
Dennis Rodman was cited for speeding on his 47-foot pleasure
boat, Sexual Chocolate.
When He Heard "Drag" and "Hamster," Rodman Immediately Wanted In
When a foot-and-mouth-disease epidemic forced British officials
to suspend temporarily horse racing, desperate bettors turned to
hamster drag racing, in which the rodents run in exercise wheels
that power miniature dragsters.
Can't Wait to See What He Does for a Hat Trick
To celebrate a teammate's goal, midfielder Francisco Gallardo of
Sevilla--in Spain's top professional soccer league--bent down
and bit the striker's penis.
Sadly, Dick Ebersol Was Not among Them
In January--two months after their visas had expired--more than
100 Olympic athletes, coaches, officials and journalists from
the 2000 Sydney Games were still at large, illegally, in
The '74 Plymouth Duster? Excellent Choice, Mr. Woods
Thirty-one-year-old Anthony Taylor was found guilty of using
credit cards he obtained in the name of Eldrick T. Woods to buy
TVs, stereos and a used car, among other things. The real
Eldrick (Tiger) Woods testified that he had never rented a
moving truck in Sacramento nor applied for credit at a
Sacramento furniture store.
They Called for His Head (And Then the Rest of His Suit)
Miami mascot Sebastian the Ibis ran onto the field in the fourth
quarter of the Sugar Bowl, resulting in a 15-yard
unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty against Miami for taunting.
Honey, Have You Seen The Banana Clips for My .223 Bushmaster?
Jets free safety Damien Robinson was arrested for carrying a
semiautomatic rifle and 200 rounds of ammunition into the Giants
Stadium parking lot in his car. "He forgot," said teammate Ray
Mickens, "just like sometimes I forget my wallet."
This Round's on Me
An off-duty cop, with a beer in one hand, dropped his gun onto
the field while reaching for a foul ball at a Tigers game.
It's Not a Deal Breaker, but His Agent Wants to Know If It's
Possible to Move the Stanley Cup Finals to Moscow
Pavel Bure left the bench at the NHL All-Star Game midway
through the third period to catch the last nonstop flight from
Denver to his home in Miami.
Satan Steps Up in the Pocket
Days after telling the New York Post he was "serving God and
sacking Satan," former Jet Mark Gastineau was jailed for
violating probation stemming from a '98 conviction for
assaulting his wife.
And Their Goal Celebrations Would Be Much, Much Better
Coach Eduard Geyer of Energie Cottbus in the top German soccer
league likened his players to the "whores of Hamburg," because
"all they do is smoke cigarettes, drink too much and sleep
around." A Hamburg prostitute said, "If Geyer's team were in as
good condition as our whores, they'd be top of the Bundesliga."
Dog O.J. All You Like, but He Never Ran Through Airports
The Atlanta airport was shut down for three hours, stranding
passengers nationwide, after bank vice president Michael
Lasseter sprinted past security and the wrong way down an
escalator in an effort to catch his flight to the Georgia-Ole
Miss football game.
Chivalry Isn't Dead, but It Just Took a Called Third Strike That
Was a Mile Low and Outside
When Andy Fletcher called him out on strikes in Toronto, Yankees
catcher Jorge Posada cursed, bumped and spat on the umpire, whom
he mistook for Justin Klemm, who'd called Posada out on strikes a
Any Coach Will Tell You That The Biggest Key to Success in Sports
Six weeks after his first arrest for possession, Nate Newton was
caught with 175 pounds of marijuana.
The ATP Immediately Received 3,000 Applications For Line Judge
Two security agents who found an unidentified powdery white
substance in an envelope at the Swiss Indoors ATP tennis
tournament were treated for exposure to anthrax before officials
determined that the powder was cocaine.
You're Number 1! You're Number 1!
Two Greene County, Mo., corrections officers were charged with
misdemeanor third-degree assault for standing on a roof and
urinating on inmates as they played basketball.
All the News That's Fit to Reprint
The Harvard Crimson ran a correction stating that its story
about the Harvard-Princeton women's lacrosse game "contained an
inordinate number of factual errors. The article was
accidentally written using a press release from last year's
How a Buffalo Got in My Pajamas, I'll Never Know
At 2:30 a.m., Ryan Gray, a 285-pound Colorado football lineman,
broke down the dead-bolted door of an apartment he believed to be
his own and collapsed on a couch. Gray, who was six miles from
his dorm at the time, fled on a bicycle when the police were
called. After being arrested, he denied breaking down the door
but admitted to being "really drunk."
Let'sssss Get Rrrrready To Giggle
Heavyweight boxer Lance Whitaker went to court and had his name
changed to Goofi.
Please Don't Get Him Started on Tango & Cash
Twenty-five years after Rocky was released, Joe Frazier was
still claiming that Sylvester Stallone had stolen his life's
story. "That Stallone," said Smokin' Joe to GQ. "What a phony
scum booger he is."
Even Better, I Can't Hear A Damn Thing That Joe Frazier Says
Charlie Costantino, 91-year-old fight trainer, on the benefits
of being his age: "There is very little peer pressure."
Jamaican Runners Always Prepare for Races by Warming Up Their
While standing on the track preparing to run the third leg of
the 4x100 relays at the World Track and Field Championships, a
Jamaican runner became so riveted watching a teammate
long-jumping on the scoreboard video screen that he didn't
notice his own relaymate sprinting toward him, trying to hand
him the baton.
Like, Say, Jets Free Safety Damien Robinson
Minnesota governor--and former Navy SEAL--Jesse Ventura said in
April, "Until you've hunted man, you haven't hunted yet. Because
you need to hunt something that can shoot back at you to really
classify yourself as a hunter."
"No, but I Thought Tango & Cash Rocked!"
When Ventura was introduced to the Dalai Lama, he asked the
exiled leader of Tibet if he had ever seen Caddyshack.
He Was Then Given a Birthday Beat Down, Which He Thoroughly
Police made one of their 27 visits in 2001 to Dennis Rodman's
Newport Beach, Calif., home when neighbors complained that the
erstwhile rebounder arrived at his 40th-birthday party in a
We Wuzn't Robbed, but We Wuz On Probation for Burglary
Boxer Tony Ayala Jr. won his fight against Santos Cardona while
wearing an electronic monitoring device on his ankle.
The Hankie Was Game-Used
Everything was priced to move in the estate sale of the deceased
Chiefs star Derrick Thomas, including his handkerchiefs ($1) and
old cans of deck sealant ($5).
You Gotta Play Hurt
Grambling wide receiver Levi Washington appeared in two games
after it was reported in two local newspapers that he'd been
killed in a car accident.
Yo, Pavel! Wait Up!
Mike Ditka, serving as guest analyst on Westwood One's Monday
Night Football radio broadcast, told fellow announcers Howard
David and Boomer Esiason, in the middle of second-half action,
that he wanted to beat the traffic. Then he got up and left.
They Fired Canisters of Michael Jordan Cologne into the Crowd
Sixty sheriff's deputies in riot gear evacuated the Florin Mall
in Sacramento when 200 people became unruly while waiting to buy
$140 Air Jordan XI Retros.
The CIA Killed Fredbird, Bub. It Can Take You Out Too
The Philadelphia Daily News reported that the Phillie Phanatic,
about to appear with President Bush, was warned by a White House
aide not to "pull any s---." The aide was anxious because
another mascot had put the President's head in his mouth.
But Wait Till You See His Retainer
Cocaine possession charges against Michael Irvin were dropped
when a judge ruled that police had conducted an illegal search.
"This is a God thing," said the former Cowboys receiver. "He
stepped in and got it done before we even went to trial."
Naked Push-ups, Steamrolling The Band--Do You Think Football
Coaches Are, by Chance, Repressing Anything?
One high school student suffered a broken jaw and another
severely sprained his ankle when their drum and bugle corps,
practicing on the Northern Illinois football field, was run over
by Huskies football players, who had been told by a coach to "go
through" the band.
I'm Goin' to Stalin World! I'm Goin' to Stalin World!
A Lithuanian wrestling champion opened a theme park in his
homeland that faithfully replicates life in a Siberian labor camp.
How Green Was My Valet?
Shortly after Cubs reliever Jason Bere parked his Porsche 996
Carrera convertible at the Hyatt Regency in Milwaukee, a man
casually asked the valet for the keys and drove away in the
$112,000 car, which he returned, unharmed, an hour later.
But They'll Still Show Friars And Pirates Going at It
The owner of bigeast.com settled a lawsuit by giving the domain
name to the Big East Athletic Conference, which had sued because
the URL was being used as a porn site.
Eric Dickerson Gets the Same Butterflies Every Sunday Night
Frenchman Arnaud Clement lost the Australian Open in part
because he couldn't sleep the night before the men's final.
"Believe it or not," he said, "30 percent of the stress was
about playing a Grand Slam final and 70 percent of the stress
was about knowing I had to give a speech in English at the end
of the match."
Who Let the Dog Out?
After sacking New Orleans quarterback Aaron Brooks, then Vikings
defensive end John Randle pretended to urinate on the field.
He's Now Head of Security at Logan Airport
Reuters reported that Metz goalkeeper Faryd Mondragon had his
French residency permit rescinded because officials suspected
that his passport was false. According to the Colombian paper El
Tiempo, Mondragon is a Colombian "from a Turkish family who
plays in France with a Greek passport." Mondragon is appealing
Fourteen Minutes Later, the Cubs' Locker Room at Wrigley Field
Six hundred toilets and 400 urinals at PNC Park in Pittsburgh
were flushed repeatedly--and simultaneously--before the Pirates'
exhibition opener to ensure uninterrupted service for fans.
Fourteen Minutes Later, the Northern Illinois Football Team Did
When a 10-year-old in Rock County, Wis., asked Milwaukee Brewers
pitcher Curtis Leskanic, on a school visit, to sign the back of
his Brewers T-shirt, Leskanic signed his name and then wrote
When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get Prudent
Stanford rugby coach Franck Boivert forfeited its match against
Cal because members of his team were "afraid to get injured, and
indeed, fear for their safety."
Coach Is at the End of His Rope
Miroslav Blazevic, coach of Iran's national soccer team, vowed
to hang himself from a crossbar in Tehran if his team was
eliminated from World Cup competition.
After All, an Iranian Stadium Is No Place for a Public Execution
Although Iran was eliminated, Blazevic has not, as yet, hanged
And Still They Missed Ray Lewis
Every person who attended Super Bowl XXXV in Tampa was digitally
scanned by hidden cameras, and the images were matched against
those in a file of known criminals.
O Captain, My Effing Captain!
New Blazers coach Maurice Cheeks named Rasheed Wallace, who had
a total of 79 technical fouls in the last two seasons, a
You Are the Weakest Link...
Los Angeles Sparks center Lisa Leslie, when asked on The Weakest
Link, "Which Roosevelt was elected president as a Republican?"
No, Wait, You Are the Weakest Link...
Hornets guard Baron Davis when asked, on the same program, in
what Maryland city the U.S. Naval Academy is located, replied,
NBC basketball analyst Steve (Snapper) Jones was asked, on the
same program, "What is 11 times 14?" He replied, almost
immediately, "I don't know."
High School Sports Build Character
Two Mundelein (Ill.) High football players were referred to
juvenile court after allegedly KO'ing a teammate while giving him
a traditional "Birthday Beat Down."
Carl Elkins of Tampa, after his arrest on an armed-robbery
charge, played in a Bloomingdale High football game with an
electronic monitoring device on his ankle. Asked how such a
thing could happen, his coach, David Bankston, reportedly said,
"We just taped it up real good."
The father of two Clearwater (Fla.) High football players,
unhappy that one of his sons wasn't playing, ordered them to go
home at halftime. When coaches pointed out that the boys'
uniforms were school property, the father ordered the boys to
strip. Police say he then threatened them and they
A Glendale, Ariz., woman was sentenced to 60 days in jail for
threatening her daughter's cheerleading coach at Deer Valley
High. "Don't forget the woman in Texas," said Mona Champion in a
telephone call she made in 1996. "And what was it that she did?
Oh, that's right, she had one of those other mothers killed,
didn't she? Have a great day."
An Indianapolis seventh-grader who snapped a towel at friends in
the shower said his gym teacher ordered him to drop and do 20
After cheerleaders at Beach High in Savannah were accused by some
school board members of dancing luridly during their routines,
Lisa Wilkins, a '94 Beach graduate explained to the AP, "When we
shake, as African-Americans--because we're so healthy--it's going
to shake a little harder than any Caucasian."
Although his Rialto (Calif.) High football team was one win from
its first conference championship, coach Don Markham said he was
"not excited at all" because the kids on his team were "a bunch
The Seventh Circle of Hell Golf & Country Club
1st A 71-year-old woman from Illinois drowned after driving her
golf cart into a water hazard at the Landings Yacht, Golf &
Tennis Club in Lee County, Fla.
2nd A 44-year-old woman was struck in the forearm by a
.40-caliber bullet during her round at the Maple Leaf Golf
Course, adjacent to a gun club in Linwood, Mich.
3rd A 43-year-old auto mechanic was arrested at a golf and
retirement community in Green Valley, Ariz., after admitting that
he'd fired six shots into the air with an assault rifle as he
drove his golf cart past the home of his former girlfriend.
4th Actor Matt Damon and playing partner John Lodge of the Moody
Blues dived into bushes when five or six gunshots rang out while
they played the 16th hole of a Las Vegas golf course.
5th The body of a man in his early 20s was found floating
facedown in a pond near the 7th tee box of the posh Glendale
Golf & Country Club in Winnipeg. Golf pro Glenn Vanderweyde told
The Edmonton Sun that the man was not a member.
6th Trailing by one stroke on the 71st hole of the FleetBoston
Classic, Tom Kite killed a bird with his tee shot. The ball fell
into a water hazard; Kite took a double bogey and lost by four
7th An angry guest at the tony Trump International Golf Club in
West Palm Beach, Fla., beat to death, with his driver, one of
the course's three black swans.
8th Pepper spray from a nearby police firing range incapacitated
20 golfers on the Springhill Golf Course in Aurora, Colo., where
patrons collapsed, vomited and tore at their searing skin and
9th Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer had a hole in one during a
spring training round with Mel Stottlemyre, Goose Gossage and
Ron Guidry but then continued to play with the lucky ball, which
he quickly lost in a pond on his way to a score of 135.