Wishful Thinking

June 30, 2002

Just once, before you die, wouldn't you love to see...

...Bud Selig and Donald Fehr crushed by the same meteorite?

...a Chinese fan inform an NBA superstar that his cool,
eight-inch Chinese-character tattoo means, literally, "I enjoy
dating chickens"?

...an NFL player beat his chest after tackling a running back
for a two-yard gain, then point to the sky, thanking God, and get
struck by lightning?

...every book publisher refuse to print Jose Canseco's
autobiography on the grounds that a person must first read a book
before writing one?

...a pack of jubilant football players sneak up from behind the
gnarled old coach on a freezing night and dump a cooler of icy
Gatorade on him, and the coach cut them on the spot?

...a World Cup soccer player forget what he's doing and flop to
the ground during the postgame jersey swap?

...coach Lou Holtz describe South Carolina's next opponent as
"worse than pitiful. These guys couldn't beat the Asthma
Institute. We're looking way past them to Alabama two weeks from
now"?

...a major league player call a press conference to demand the
club negotiate his contract--downward? "I'm barely hittin' my damn
weight," he'll say, his agent nodding by his side. "Either start
paying me a whole lot less or I'm leaving for Pawtucket right
now!"

...Alex Rodriguez, ahead of you in line at Wal-Mart, getting his
Visa rejected?

...a reporter stick a tape recorder in the face of the
linebacker, say, "Talk about the game, Tank," and Tank reply,
"Wait a minute. You sat in that press box for 2 1/2 hours, toasty
warm, with stats handed to you, replays on 50 TV sets, prime rib
buffet--with two desserts--and you can't think of one single
question to ask me?"

...some megamillionaire athlete take MTV's Cribs on a tour of
his mansion and get lost?

...Rasheed Wallace stick his hand in the air after being called
for a foul?

...genius manager Joe Torre try to win a game with the Kansas
City Royals' lineup?

...radio bad-boy Jim Rome say to a caller, "Hey, there's no need
to be nervous. Take your time. Nobody's judging you here. You're
among friends!"

...the superstar outfielder go on and on in a press conference
about how he needs a trade closer to his home so he can drive the
carpool, when his wife stands up in the back and yells, "Really?
You want to drive the carpool? How about November? I hear you're
pretty free then! How come you never drive the carpool in
November? You're going to force a trade to Atlanta so you can
drive the carpool? That'll be some trick, since we live in
Orlando!"

...two WWF wrestlers actually land haymakers and go bawling off
to their dressing rooms?

...the winning Super Bowl quarterback holler, "I'm going to
Disney World! And after that, we're taking a real vacation!"

...a belligerent hockey fan screaming bloodthirsty insults at a
6'6" goon in the penalty box when he suddenly realizes there's no
glass between them?

...Kobe Bryant's run-jump-land-and-jump-again move get called
for what it is: traveling?

...a Wimbledon ball boy say to Pete Sampras, "Well, bloody hell,
aren't you going to go pick up any of them?"

...someone on SportsCenter say, "Detroit defeated Atlanta
101-99," and nothing else?

...Al Davis show up at the 50-yard line in a bright blue Perry
Ellis blazer, matching ascot and bleach-blond Brad Pitt bangs?

...Bob Costas look straight into the camera and say, "At this
very moment in the Olympic Games, the women's softball final, the
men's 100-meter-dash final and the excruciating finish of the
marathon are all taking place. That's why it sickens me to have
to send you to the three o'clock practice session of the U.S.
women's gymnastics team"?

...all the manicured, blown-dry, poof-poof dogs at the
Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show suddenly see a vendor spill a
box of wieners and go tearing off all at once?

...Ahmad Rashad smear on red lipstick before sucking up to Kobe?

...your kids sit down to dinner and tell you about that
afternoon's World Series game?

...Mo Vaughn say, "I think I'll have the salad, please."

...the puck?

COLOR PHOTO: DANA FINEMAN/SYGMA

Wouldn't you love to see...Sergio Garcia waggle so many times
that two groups play through?

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)