The Show

July 28, 2002

ELS WEATHERS BRITISH Before the four-man, four-hole playoff
began, Ernie huddled with his psychologist, Jos Vanstiphout. He
was very supportive. I believe his exact words were, "Who do I
look like, Harvey Penick? Just don't cough it up like you did
against Retief Goosen and embarrass me!"

Jos Vanstiphout. That's the sound the membership board at Augusta
makes when a woman approaches the clubhouse.

The tournament was full of surprises. Are you like me? Are you
wondering if Tiger is suddenly using a Nike kryptonite-shafted
putter?

Woods shot an 81 on Day 3, the worst 18 holes of his pro career.
He played so badly that midway through the round, the Swedish
nanny ducked into the scoring tent with Soren Hansen.

Brutal weather for Round 3. On the bright side the flowers on
Duffy Waldorf's shirt and hat needed the rain.

Monty shot an 84 last Saturday. By the third hole he was
reprimanded by course marshals for heckling himself.

ALLEN IVERSON AWAITS THE ANSWER The NBA All-Star was arrested on
four felonies and 10 misdemeanors. None of the charges count as
team fouls.

If convicted on all counts, Iverson faces a maximum of 65 years
in jail. And his cousin gets two shots and the ball on the side.

Actually, it's 65 years, or 12 seasons with the Grizzlies.

Sixty-five years in prison. However, his lawyers are working out
a deal to get it reduced to life in Reeboks.

The latest incident began when Allen allegedly threw his wife out
of the house naked. That would make her the first member of the
Iverson family left uncovered.

Iverson's no dummy. He's going to show up in court with Bennett
Salvatore and Bernie Fryer to protect him.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CELEBRATES 16 STRAIGHT WEEKS WITHOUT A
BOUNCED CHECK Despite reports to the contrary, Devil Rays
managing general partner Vince Naimoli says his team is not
desperate for cash. Of course, he said it while selling candy
bars at the entrance to the Tampa Mall.

The balance of power in baseball is still lopsided. The Yankees
placed Roger Clemens on the 15-day disabled list. Then, for
insurance, they offered $6 million to the Blue Jays to acquire
Roy Halladay's groin.

The Cardinals traded for veteran lefty Chuck Finley. Not to be
outdone, the Reds acquired the only person who can hit him--Tawny
Kitaen.

The Indians are going through with a July 27 promotion in which
they'll give out baseball cards of former Tribes pitcher Bartolo
Colon. And there are still seats available for Aug. 4--Albert
Belle Bobble-Hip Doll Night.

By the way, midnight July 31 is the insider trading deadline for
Martha Stewart.

QUICK IMPRESSION. JOHN HENRY WILLIAMS AS A COP "O.K., freeze!"

MARTINA HINGIS DATING SERGIO GARCIA She has only one complaint:
He stands over her too long.

ROLAND LATINA, RAWLINGS'S "GLOVE DOCTOR," PASSES AWAY AT AGE 78
There is no truth to the rumor he was tied up with string, soaked
in a bucket of water and buried under a 14-year-old's mattress.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Blood, Sweat and Tears.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)