The Show

August 11, 2002

(Tap, tap) Is this thing on?

SALT LAKE MOB SCENE Forget what you've heard. At the 2006 Winter
Games in Turin, Italy, Ice Fixing will not be a demonstration
sport.

A reputed Russian mobster, Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov, was arrested
for trying to fix the ice dancing event at the Salt Lake City
Games. He would have gotten away with it if he hadn't been ratted
out by his brother Fredo Tokhtakhounov.

But this mob guy is no dummy. He's already hired a very sharp
lawyer, who advised him to plead "Not Gillooly."

Are you like me? Are you waiting for Sale and Pelletier to hold a
press conference to announce that this is not about them?

HBO REALITY SERIES HARD KNOCKS LANDS IN DALLAS.
I feel so foolish. I thought HBO already had a show about the
Cowboys: Curb Your Enthusiasm.

The Cowboys are ready for the cameras. For the last two months
Brian Billick has been giving Dave Campo bluster lessons.

Lots of inside revelations on the show. For instance, I didn't
know you had to report this, but the Cowboys placed OT Aaron
Gibson on the Physically Unable to Have a Salad list.

Don't miss the second installment. Dave Campo shows up with his
evil sidekick, Mini-Campo.

According to a poll, 28% of NFL fans say the Dallas Cowboys
improved themselves the most during the off-season. The other 72%
prefer Jerry Jones's original face.

Come on. Jerry Jones's private jet is on its second nose.

BASEBALL HEADED FOR FALL It still looks like Sept. 16 may be
closing time for the union. Good move. Who wants to be playing
the same night The King of Queens has its season premiere?

This would be the ninth work stoppage since 1972. Tenth if you
count the Braves after Game 2 in the '96 World Series.

Bud Selig may be starting to crack. He's now threatening to
contract the bratwurst from the sausage race at Miller Park.

Despite all the dire possibilities, attendance in Minnesota has
jumped during the last few weeks. It's a combination of two
factors: 1) the Twins' commanding lead in the AL Central; 2) a
local classified ad describing the Metrodome as a "perfect
fixer-upper for newlyweds."

Tell me if I'm wrong. With all the distracting talk about
steroids and strikes, has there ever been a better time to cork
your bat?

In other news, the Red Sox designated Jose Offerman for
assignment. The assignment: Write 2,000 words on how to earn $26
million stranding runners and dropping throws.

Offerman was shocked. Never saw it coming. If you're scoring at
home, that makes 289 signs he's missed.

Boston also released RHP Rich Garces. He had to turn sideways to
clear waivers.

Unlike Offerman, Garces was a real gentleman. He offered to eat
his contract.

JIM KELLY INVITES 1,200 FRIENDS AND EX-TEAMMATES TO HALL OF FAME
INDUCTION. And Scott Norwood made 75 bucks parking cars.

LAWYERS FOR FORMER NFL WR RAE CARRUTH APPEAL MURDER CONVICTION.
Remember, if the conviction is not overturned, Rae loses one of
his timeouts in the yard.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Pablo Cruise.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)