The Show

December 02, 2002

Good to be here. Anybody need tickets for the next seven Arturo
Gatti--Micky Ward fights?

BIGGER COURT FOR MICHAEL? A woman accused of extortion by Michael
Jordan is now suing him, claiming that in 1991 he offered her $5
million to keep quiet. That's ridiculous. Five million dollars in
1991, and she wasn't even a lottery pick?

Come on. Nobody takes money from Michael Jordan. Except the
house.

The woman claims she had an oral agreement with Michael. An oral
agreement. Isn't that what got Clinton impeached?

In other NBA news the Nets are trying to get point guard Chris
Childs to lose weight. So far the best they've come up with is
having Dikembe Mutombo give him the finger wag every time Childs
orders pie.

The Dallas Mavericks are now 13--0. And I don't get this. David
Stern is thinking about fining Mark Cuban for not complaining.

In two games last week Yao Ming scored 48 points on 17-for-23
shooting from the field. Are you like me? Are you thinking
Charles Barkley should change the name of his show from Listen Up
to Pucker Up?

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CONSIDERING A MINIMUM AGE FOR BATBOYS You
must be at least 16, or really adorable.

And only two batboys will be allowed in the dugout at any time.
Although J.T. Snow will be allowed to bring a carry-on item.

In other baseball news Mets catcher Mike Piazza went to Italy and
had an audience with the pope. And this was nice. The pope taught
him how to say "I'm not gay" in Latin.

The Padres signed relief pitcher Jesse Orosco. He'll be placed on
their way-over-40-man roster.

The man who knocked out David Wells's teeth in a diner was found
guilty of assault. However, he was acquitted on weapons
possession because the butter knife he was holding was
registered.

TOMMY MADDOX IS O.K. The Steelers QB was released from the
hospital after recovering from head and neck injuries. However,
Troy Aikman is being held for observation after watching the
replay.

Because of a design flaw Gillette Stadium does not have nearly
enough men's rooms. On Sunday three Patriots fans were arrested
in the stands for trying to go on fourth down.

Hamilton County, Ohio, is being urged to sue the Bengals for not
fielding a competitive football team in taxpayer-funded Paul
Brown Stadium. I'm no Alan Dershowitz, but isn't this "breach of
contact"?

THIS JUST IN: TIGER WOODS HAS ANNOUNCED HE WILL NOT ENTER THIS
YEAR'S BASSMASTERS In related news The New York Times urged
Augusta National to change its membership policies. Not to be
outdone, Hootie Johnson told The National Enquirer he was
abducted by aliens working in the clubhouse kitchen.

In other golf news Smith & Wesson announced it will introduce its
own line of golf clubs. This should give new meaning to the
phrase "shotgun start."

You think Sergio Garcia's over the ball too long now, wait till
he starts having to adjust his telescopic sight.

OHIO STATE NO. 1 IN BCS That's BCS--Burning Car Standings.

Bob Knight sues Indiana over firing You know, if he loses, he
might give the judge the chair.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Spandau Ballet.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)