The Show

December 16, 2002

Let's move this along. I have less than two weeks left to get an
undeclared gift for Chris Webber's father.

NFL ENTERS WILD STRETCH RUN Dan Reeves has finally adjusted to
Michael Vick's reckless style of play. He now stands on the
sideline, hooked up to a Zocor IV drip.

Houston's Reliant Stadium has an onsite jail. Go ahead and laugh,
but it may be the closest thing to protection David Carr gets all
year.

Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers was suspended for the rest
of the season for violating the league's substance abuse policy.
He's not allowed to participate in contact drills, other than
film session fights with Steve Smith.

Smith was suspended for a game after breaking a teammate's nose
during a film session. Apparently the guy wouldn't shut up, and
Smith couldn't hear half the things Adam Sandler was saying.

Colts WR Marvin Harrison is on pace for 145 receptions, which
would obliterate the league record. In a related story, Randy
Moss has a streak of 45 consecutive games with at least one
complaint.

JIM THOME GETS HIS PHIL The All-Star first baseman left the
Indians to sign a six-year, $85 million deal with the Phillies.
It sounds like a lot, but he has to pay medical insurance for the
Phanatic.

The Mets won the Tom Glavine Sweepstakes. All that's left is the
press conference at which he announces his sexuality.

The Canadian Baseball League will begin play next May in eight
cities. And you know what's sad? In that league the Expos would
still be considered a small-market team.

JAZZ RETIRES JEFF HORNACEK'S NUMBER 14 Hornacek was the fourth
player to be honored, joining Darrell Griffith, Mark Eaton and
Pete Maravich. This is all so political. Griffith and Eaton,
sure, but Maravich?

Jazz owner Larry Miller might sell the team's nickname back to
New Orleans. He hasn't named a price, but he'll subtract a couple
of zeros if they take Greg Ostertag.

And this just in: An unidentified NBA player came home to his
wife, had dinner and went to sleep.

WINSTON CUP CHAMP TONY STEWART VISITS THE WHITE HOUSE It went
well. He shook hands with President Bush and shoved only three
Supreme Court judges.

FLORIDA PANTHERS ENFORCER PETER WORRELL SENTENCED TO 10 DAYS
AFTER PLEADING GUILTY TO DUI Of course, Worrell likes to think of
it as 2,880 five-minute majors.

It's not all bad news for the Panthers. At least Mike Keenan's
doghouse has an ocean view.

FORMER CBS TOP EXEC QUITS AUGUSTA Thomas Wyman called his
ex--fellow members "rednecks" for not admitting a woman. I'm no
Jeff Foxworthy, but when the guy who green-lighted the Dukes of
Hazzard reunion movie calls you a redneck, you are.

In other golf news, St. Andrews has changed its famous Road Hole
bunker on 17. The wall was lowered two feet, and a Starbucks was
put in.

Traditionalists are furious. What's next, they're going to allow
women in there?

NAVY CRUSHES ARMY 58--12 Everyone saw it coming. Before the game
Hans Blix inspected the Cadets' offense and found no weapons.

NOMAR GARCIAPARRA AND MIA HAMM ENGAGED Sadly, Nomar has to wait
until the honeymoon before he's allowed to use his hands.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The McCoys.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)