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The Show

Dec. 30, 2002
Dec. 30, 2002

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Dec. 30, 2002

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The Show

Boy, you can tell it's the holiday season. I saw Pat Riley at the
NBA Store, trying to exchange his XXL fine for a medium.

This is an article from the Dec. 30, 2002 issue Original Layout

JEFF KENT, 2000 NL MVP, SIGNS WITH THE ASTROS And the Giants are
now scrambling to find a second baseman who can hit for power and
alienate Barry Bonds.

The Yankees want to acclimate Japanese slugger Hideki Matsui to
New York as quickly as possible. Next week he'll fly into the
city and be sucker punched in a coffee shop.

You can tell Godzilla is coming to the Big Apple. There's a guy
in Times Square screaming, "Run for your lives!"

Oh, wait a minute. That guy's in Times Square every day.

Big off-season for the Yanks. Godzilla and Todd-zeilla.

Also in baseball the Red Sox acquired Jeremy Giambi. What, Ozzie
Canseco wasn't available?

With the Giambi acquisition, new G.M. Theo Epstein shows he's
serious about upholding Red Sox tradition. The tradition that
gave you Dom DiMaggio, Billy Conigliaro, Mike Maddux....

JERRY JONES MEETS BILL PARCELLS FOR FIVE-HOUR "PHILOSOPHICAL
DISCUSSION" You know what this means. Parcells is very, very
interested in turning down the Cowboys' coaching job.

They met secretly in New Jersey. Jerry showed up wearing a
disguise. His original face.

In other NFL news Priest Holmes is out with a hip injury. Is that
all? I thought he'd been transferred to another parish.

FLORIDA STATE QUARTERBACK CHRIS RIX TO MISS SUGAR BOWL He
overslept and missed a final exam. Remember the good old days
when a college player could pay another guy to sleep through an
exam for him?

Rix had a lame excuse. He claimed Adrian McPherson stole his
blank blue book.

So it looks as if Bobby Bowden will have to go with his
third-string QB, 27-year-old true freshman Chris Weinke Jr.

Elsewhere, Texas A&M explained why they fired long-time coach
R.C. Slocum. The Aggies had no choice. He refused to turn all
recruiting over to Tom Berenger.

There are a record 28 bowl games. That means Division IA played a
full season to eliminate Rutgers, Army and Buffalo.

BET FOUNDER ROBERT JOHNSON NAMED OWNER OF CHARLOTTE FRANCHISE His
first order of business: getting Trent Lott to apologize to
Charlotte for losing the Hornets.

In other NBA news Michael Jordan submitted court papers claiming
that the woman who's suing him for $5 million agreed to take
$250,000 to keep their affair quiet. And I think we can all
agree: She did a bang-up job keeping quiet.

Actually the offer was $250,000 to keep quiet, $375,000 if Jordan
got blackjack.

And $250,000? That's just bad business. Didn't she know she could
have made much more money having a kid with Shawn Kemp?

Karla Knafel. Didn't she try to jump 12 NBA team buses and Snake
River Canyon in 1974?

AVALANCHE AXE BOB HARTLEY It was sad at the end. He had only one
supporter: Mr. Carlin.

HARRY HOLLINGSWORTH, WHO POPULARIZED USING A COMPUTER TO MAKE
FOOTBALL PICKS, DIES AT 77 The computer had under 78.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Royal Guardsmen.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG