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The Stuff You Can't Make Up Beauty, power, courage: Sure, those things have their place in the sports pages--usually way ahead of the bizarre, moronic and embarrassing stories our writer has been clipping all year

Dec. 30, 2002
Dec. 30, 2002

Table of Contents
Dec. 30, 2002

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The Stuff You Can't Make Up Beauty, power, courage: Sure, those things have their place in the sports pages--usually way ahead of the bizarre, moronic and embarrassing stories our writer has been clipping all year

THE PARKING AREA IS NOW CALLED TRENT LOT
St. Ursula Academy in Cincinnati renamed its athletic field
Schottzie Field, in honor of former Reds owner Marge Schott and
her beloved Saint Bernards.

This is an article from the Dec. 30, 2002 issue Original Layout

WRIGLEY'S BELIEVE IT OR NOT
A fan paid $250 at auction for gum chewed by Oakland A's pitcher
Tim Hudson.

YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SACK LEADER GAVE
On the The Tonight Show, Jay Leno displayed a headline about the
NFL's alltime leading rusher that read, SMITH DONATES BALLS TO
CHARITY.

COULD YOU SIGN IT "TO HOOTIE"?
After the baseball All-Star Game ended in a tie, President Bush
proposed that a White House intern write a case study of Bud
Selig's behavior that night--"as an object lesson," reported
Time.com, "in what not to do in a crisis."

BRIDGE TROUBLED OVER WATERS
At the World Bridge Championships in Montreal, Disa Eythorsdottir
of Huntsville, Ala., was denied her silver medal when she refused
to submit to a postmatch urine test.

HE'S THE FIRST AT HIS END OF THE TRAILER PARK
An Ohio couple named their newborn son Winston NASCAR.

THEY WERE AFRAID THAT PATRICK HAYASHI WOULD POUNCE ON THEM AND
RIP THE BALL FROM THEIR HANDS
On a bet, goalkeeper Tom Janssens of Veerle Sport FC in Belgium
kicked a ball into the basket of a hot-air balloon as it passed
100 feet over the practice field. Two women in the balloon
promptly returned the ball.

CROUCHING CAR THIEF, HIDDEN BLACK BELTS
In Los Angeles a man attempted to carjack a van carrying the
Florida International University judo team, in town to teach a
self-defense course. Its members summarily pummeled the
perpetrator.

WE FOUND THIS HUMERUS (IT WAS UNDER A TABLE)
At an arm-wrestling tournament to raise money for a senior
citizens' club in Lyons, Colo., two amateur participants--Jim
Anderson and Suzanne Carlson--broke their upper arms. Said
Anderson, 37, "I had no idea a bone made so much noise when it
cracked."

HERE I GO AGAIN
Six-foot-six pitcher Chuck Finley, then with the Indians, filed
for divorce from his wife, Whitesnake video vixen Tawny Kitaen,
after she allegedly beat him.

ON THE UPSIDE, HE DOES LOOK GOOD IN STRIPES
Yankees outfielder Ruben Rivera stole a glove and bat from Derek
Jeter's locker, then sold them for $2,500 to a memorabilia
dealer.

CRIME DOES PAY, AND IN THE LOW SIX FIGURES
In releasing Rivera from his contract, the Yankees paid him
$200,000.

TO PAY FOR LIQUOR, HE USED DEREK JETER'S
Darryl Strawberry was expelled from his court-ordered
drug-treatment program for, among other violations, using his
memorabilia as currency to buy cigarettes.

DISNEY ON ICE? HE'S TWO LOCKERS DOWN
Ted Williams and his children John Henry and Claudia entered into
a three-way pact to have their bodies cryonically preserved after
death.

A FASTBALL WOULD JUST FREEZE HIM
In six at bats for the Gulf Coast League's Fort Myers Red Sox,
John Henry Williams batted .000.

THEY WERE UNDERPAID
Golfer John Daly recorded a country album that included the song
All My Ex's Wear Rolexes.

PUTTING THE PRO BACK IN PROZAC
Mike Tyson said of Lennox Lewis, "My main objective is to be
professional but [also] to kill him."

UNTIL COOLER MOOSEHEADS PREVAILED
In a Quebec Major Junior Hockey League game between the Halifax
Mooseheads and Baie-Comeau Drakkar, 23 players were ejected.

TO PREVENT UNDERAGE GERMAN SHEPHERDS FROM BUYING $8 MOJITOS
Bomb-sniffing dogs at the U.S. Open tennis tournament were
required to wear photo identification tags.

MAYBE HE DOESN'T NEED SIEGFRIED AND ROY
Court papers revealed that Mike Tyson owed more than $8,000 for
the care of his pet tigers.

AND THEN THEY GAVE THE DEATH PENALTY TO FURMAN
Responding to pressure from PETA, among others, the NCAA said it
would no longer use leather basketballs in any tournament game.

WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE LOSER?
Newsday profiled brothers Winner Lane, 44, and Loser Lane, 41,
who were named by their baseball-fan father. Loser's a winner
(successful Bronx detective), and Winner's a loser (ex-convict
living in a homeless shelter).

ODDLY, HE MAKES NO MENTION OF A WIFE
Eighty-year-old Norman Windram of Manchester, England, has
attended every Man United home match since 1926.

SHE IDENTIFIED HIM BY HIS THREE-POINT STANCE
Green Bay Packers rookie Najeh Davenport was arrested in Miami
Shores, Fla., for allegedly breaking into a woman's college-dorm
room at 6 a.m., then defecating in her laundry basket. The
student said she awoke to find the 247-pound fullback squatting
in her closet. (Davenport denies it.)

WAIT TILL NAJEH DAVENPORT HEARS ABOUT THIS
Three bone chips removed from the elbow of Mariners pitcher Jeff
Nelson drew a $23,600 bid on eBay.

THAT'S WHAT EDITORS ARE FOR
Mike Tyson told a group of sportswriters that he'd like to stomp
on their sons' testicles.

SOON, FANS WERE GIVING HIM THE FAKE FINGER
Seattle Mariners pitcher Rafael Soriano was hampered by a blister
on a finger of his throwing hand caused by his fake fingernail.

RAFAEL SORIANO'S CURLING IRON SHORTED OUT
The Mariners' team bus caught fire in the Ted Williams Tunnel in
Boston.

YOU'LL FIND IT NEXT TO THE POPE-ON-A-ROPE
You can now buy a bobblehead doll of Reformation leader Martin
Luther.

WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS KID'S NAME ISN'T WINSTON NASCAR
Shirtless, tattooed William Ligue Jr., and his shirtless
15-year-old son, attacked Royals first base coach Tom Gamboa
during a game at Comiskey Park. A juvenile probation officer said
that William--who said he was on five drugs at the time--asked
his son prior to the attack, "Are you a pussy? Do you have balls?
Are you my son? Would you do anything for me?"

"DON'T JUDGE ME BY THE WAY I THROW TO SECOND"
Mike Piazza held an informal press conference to declare, "I'm
not gay," "I'm heterosexual" and "I date women."

I'M IN FOR MURDER. WHAT ARE YOU IN FOR?
Alleged Russian mafioso Alimzhan Tokhtakhounov remains in custody
on charges that he conspired to fix the Olympic pairs skating and
ice dancing competition.

FORTUNATELY, LENNOX LEWIS WENT UNMOLESTED
Before fighting in Tennessee in June, Mike Tyson registered there
as a sex offender.

FLUSHING QUEENS OF FLUSHING, QUEENS
The New York Mets, whose team payroll exceeded $100 million,
fired two dozen ladies' room attendants making $12.50 an hour.

DRY WIT
A New Zealand television rugby announcer was reprimanded for
describing efforts to dry a waterlogged pitch as "a big blow
job."

HE ALWAYS DID GO FOR THE LOOSE BALLS
Dennis Rodman reached an undisclosed settlement with Las Vegas
casino worker James Brasich, who said he was humiliated by the
former basketball player during a 1997 craps game at the Mirage
when Rodman, for luck, rubbed dice against Brasich's genitals.

MINK FOR MINK, HE'S ONE OF THE ALLTIME GREAT EX-CHAMPS
Former heavyweight champ Riddick Bowe had 15 fur coats--worth
$600,000--stolen from his Maryland home. His nephew and his
nephew's girlfriend were arrested.

AND A BUICK SABLE MADE OF REAL SABLE
Bowe was also relieved of two mink bedspreads, worth $140,000.

MELANOMAR GARCIAPARRA
Baltimore Orioles leftfielder Marty Cordova missed one game after
overtanning himself at a salon.

HE WAS ALSO SUSPECTED OF CORKING HIS PADDLE
U.S. table-tennis team player Barney Reed Jr. was suspended for
two years after testing positive for an anabolic steroid.

LIKE A ROCK (HIS HEAD, WE MEAN)
Astros second baseman Jeff Kent, then with the Giants, said he
broke his wrist when he fell off his truck.

YOU MEAN HE WAS RIDING HIS MOTORCYCLE ON HIS TRUCK?
In fact, he broke it falling off his motorcycle.

NEXT, ON TAXICAB CONCUSSIONS
Blue Jays catcher Darrin Fletcher sprained an ankle stepping into
a pothole in Seattle.

JOE VERSUS THE VOLKSWAGEN
Tampa Bay Devil Rays pitcher Joe Kennedy said he got a black eye
by hitting the corner of his open car trunk--but he wasn't
certain.

COINCIDENCE? WE THINK NOT
Two days later the Mariners were shut out by Devil Rays pitcher
Joe Kennedy.

IS THAT A BANANA IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO ATTEND
CIVIC FUNCTIONS?
When H'Angus the Football Monkey, team mascot of the Hartlepool
Football Club, was elected mayor of that English town in May,
London's Daily Mirror predicted, "The result looked set to stun
local MP Peter Mandelson--who could now be forced to attend civic
functions with a man dressed as an ape."

NO WOMAN WAS EVER SEDUCED BY A BOOK, AND NEITHER WAS DREW GOODEN
To pass the time on a team flight, Memphis Grizzlies rookie Drew
Gooden counted the diamonds in his number-zero medallion. There
were 550.

CARAT-TOPPED
"But we counted my man Lorenzen Wright's bracelet," said Gooden,
referring to his Grizzlies teammate, "and he had 1,100 diamonds."

TED WILLIAMS AND H'ANGUS THE FOOTBALL MONKEY WERE SEEN LEAVING IN
THE SAME CAB
Frozen objects and household pets were among the items banned at
Japan's Niigata Stadium during the soccer World Cup.

SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
A woman in a low-flying Cessna attempted to scatter her husband's
ashes onto Safeco Field in Seattle. She missed, spreading her
husband onto an adjacent street.

ARMED TO THE TEETH--AND VICE VERSA
One month after tackling Martin Gleeson, a player on the rival
Saints, Jamie Ainscough of England's Wigan Warriors rugby team
found, embedded in his arm, a tooth that had belonged to Gleeson.

SOBER, SHE GOT TO W
In a field sobriety test prior to her April DUI citation, Tonya
Harding failed to make it past T in the alphabet.

AND, LIKE HARDING, WINDOWS KEEPS CRASHING
A judge compared Microsoft's treatment of Sun Microsystems to the
kneecapping of Nancy Kerrigan by Harding's associates, saying,
"Kerrigan [was] deprived of the opportunity to compete on two
good knees."

WRING AROUND THE ROSE BOWL
Trevor LeBlanc of San Diego's Rancho Bernardo High marching band
won a $25,000 lawsuit against the Poway Unified School District
and band director Tom Cole, who excoriated the freshman baritone
player for wearing orange socks--instead of white--in the 2001
Tournament of Roses Parade. Cole reportedly grabbed LeBlanc by
the throat and said, "I ought to wring your [bleeping] neck."

RUNNER-UP: "URINE DETACHMENTS"
After soliciting disparaging anagrams for Manchester United from
its readers, the Irish Times named the following winner: "Stained
hen rectum."

YOU CAN CALL ME AL
Jode and Mandy Manguzi of Norfolk, England, named their son Alex
Ferguson Barthez Silvestre Neville Johnsen Irwin Stam Brown May
Beckham Keane Scholes Butt Veron Giggs Chadwick Cole Yorke
Nistelrooy Solskjaer, after the manager of Manchester United and
19 of its players.

POLICE SAID THE GUY WAS HALF NUTS
A 22-year-old man in Great Falls, Mont., shot off his right
testicle while stuffing a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun into
his waistband in a bar parking lot after a group of his friends
were involved in a fight in the bar.

HOMICIDE SQUEEZE
A 28-year-old man in Mandeville, La.--enraged over calls in his
seven-year-old son's baseball game--allegedly threw the umpire
against a bathroom wall and threatened to kill him. "I was afraid
for my life," said umpire Alan Terry, 21. "He had me in a
headlock and was squeezing my neck and saying he was going to
kill me."

THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG-DISTANCE EATER
After ingesting only 16 hot dogs in 12 minutes at a regional
competition--and thus failing to qualify for the international
Nathan's Famous Hot Dog-Eating contest--Dave (Coondog) O'Karma
told the Akron Beacon Journal, "I know it's just a hot dog
contest, but I sat there alone in my hotel room and I started
crying. I just--I love being Coondog."

OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, DAMNED SPOT
In his first three at bats in the big leagues, Seattle Mariners
DH Ron Wright made six outs: striking out, hitting into a double
play and hitting into a triple play.

SIX RONS DON'T MAKE A WRIGHT
After the game, Wright was sent to the minor leagues.

PUBLIC ENEMY NO. 1, AND OCCASIONALLY NO. 2
Four new public toilets at the Santa Teresa Riva resort in Sicily
were dedicated--with nameplates affixed to the doors--to
Ecuadoran soccer referee Byron Morena, who officiated during
Italy's World Cup loss to South Korea, which eliminated the
Azzurri from the tournament.

SHRUNKEN WILLIE
The official newsletter of baseball's International League ran a
correction to the Charlotte Knights' media guide, reducing second
baseman Willie Harris from a 6'5", 220-pound, 28-year-old
Arizonan to a 5'9", 175-pound, 23-year-old Georgian.

WITH A CAPITAL T AND RHYMES WITH P AND THAT STANDS FOR PROBATION
After allegedly taking a female traffic control agent for an
unsolicited ride on the hood of his Lexus, Minnesota Vikings
receiver Randy Moss said, "I don't know if trouble is out to find
me, but I'm certainly not out to find trouble."

EBAY, BRUTE?
Ted Williams's daughter Bobby-Jo Ferrell said that her half
brother, John Henry Williams, wanted to preserve his father's
remains so that he could sell the DNA.

GEE, AND RUBEN RIVERA GOT $200,000
Police said that Cincinnati basketball player Donald Little,
thinking that his roommate had stolen from him, hit the roommate
over the head with a whiskey bottle, taped him to a lawn chair,
burned him with incense, beat him, then stabbed him when he tried
to escape. The roommate survived, and Little pleaded to
aggravated assault.

A WOMAN NEEDS THIS MAN LIKE A FISH NEEDS THIS BICYCLE
In three hours and 15 minutes, on a bicycle weighted down with
lead, and breathing from a scuba tank, 53-year-old Wolfgang Kulov
of Germany pedaled 2.6 miles along the floor of the North Sea,
saying afterward, "At one point I had to drive around a discarded
garden gnome that someone had thrown in the water."

DOE? D'OH!
On the first day of deer-hunting season, 89-year-old Clinton
Hurlbut of Browns Valley, Minn., shot--from 203 yards away--what
he thought was a deer. In fact, it was a white horse named
Princess, ridden by a 12-year-old girl named Lindsey Duffield.
(Princess was wounded, Lindsey was not.)

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: STEVE BRODNER [T of C] 88 The Stuff You Can't Make Up All year our writer has clipped sports stories--say, Tyson and his tigers--that are bizarre, moronic or embarrassing by Steve RushinSEVEN COLOR ILLUSTRATIONS: ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVE BRODNER