The Show

January 13, 2003

Before we begin, congrats to Shaquille O'Neal who married his
longtime girlfriend. Are you like me? Are you thinking that's the
only ring he'll get this year?

WILD WILD-CARD WEEKEND The Giants still have not gotten over
blowing a 24-point lead to the 49ers. For the last three days
Jeremy Shockey has been taunting himself.

You don't want to use the word collapse, but after the game the
entire defense had to be treated by a seismologist.

In the Steelers' comeback win, the Browns played it a little safe
in trying to protect the lead. Dwayne Rudd didn't take off his
helmet until Tuesday.

The Jets routed the Colts 41--0. Am I the only one who saw this
connection? The actress who plays Meadow Soprano sang the
national anthem, and the next thing you knew, Peyton Manning's
arm had mysteriously disappeared.

The New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority spent about
$120,000 to put in a new field at Giants Stadium for the
playoffs. In a related story the first three fairways at Sawgrass
are missing.

And Bill Parcells entered Week 2 as coach of the Cowboys. That
means I already lost the office pool.

Jerry Jones followed league guidelines before hiring Parcells. He
saw Denzel Washington's reel from Remember the Titans, and his
plastic surgeon interviewed Dennis Green.

OHIO STATE OT'S CANES FOR NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP Miami coach
Larry Coker learned his lesson. Next season he's going back to
parolees.

Tough start to 2003 for the Hurricanes. First their undefeated
streak ends at 34, and now they head into spring practice $5
million over the cap.

O.J. Simpson showed up at a USC practice before the Trojans
routed Iowa in the Orange Bowl. And this is sweet: He told
Heisman Trophy winner Carson Palmer, "This is something nobody
can take away from you. Unless you lose the civil trial."

EIGHT IS ENOUGH: PITCHING-RICH YANKEES RE-SIGN ROGER CLEMENS
Clemens can't wait for his first start, on April 9. And his
second, on June 6.

Clemens is five shy of 300. No, I'm sorry. He needs seven wins
for 300. I was thinking of his weight during his last season in
Boston.

In a recent interview Yankees owner George Steinbrenner blamed
Derek Jeter's declining stats on his off-the-field activities.
This is Step 1 in George's meddling. Step 2: He replaces Jordana
Brewster with Billy Connors.

MARIAN HOSSA SETS SENATORS TEAM RECORD WITH FOUR GOALS IN 8--1
WIN Sadly, three days later all the scores were returned because
of insufficient funds.

Serious financial problems in Ottawa. First the Senators failed
to meet the team payroll, now it turns out they haven't paid the
red-light bill since August.

ATLANTA FIRES HOCKEY, HOOPS COACHES ON SAME DAY It wasn't
supposed to happen that way. The Hawks were going to wait on Lon
Kruger, but Trailways was running a two-for-one sale.

JEFF GORDON TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ON JAN. 11 All audience
members will be equipped with the HANS device to keep them from
nodding off.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Gerry & the Pacemakers.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
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Eagle (-2)
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