The Show

January 27, 2003

Good to be here. By applause, how many of you think we should be
able to challenge two Super Bowl ads per half?

BUCS DON'T STOP HERE Tampa Bay upset the Eagles in Philadelphia
27--10. And what are the odds of this? The Bucs' point total, the
game-time temperature and Donovan McNabb's QB rating were all the
same number.

It was the last football game at the Vet. But they've booked
fights in the stands until the end of the month.

I kept flipping back and forth between the Golden Globes and the
AFC Championship. Help me out here: Was Kim Cattrall called for
roughing the passer?

The price for a 30-second Super Bowl spot is $2.1 million. And
$2.3 million if the ad performs well enough to make the Pro Bowl.

The NFL is refusing to run ads for Las Vegas tourism during the
Super Bowl because it feels the ads would promote gambling. And
frankly, the league doesn't need to promote gambling during the
Super Bowl. Weeks 1--3 are where it needs help.

YAO BESTS SHAQ IN FIRST MEETING Great matchup. The 7'5" rookie
blocked O'Neal's first three shots and deflected a couple of
derogatory remarks.

O'Neal has apologized to Yao for his ethnically insensitive
comments. Hey, it could have been worse. Shaq could have rapped
them.

Big month for Yao. The Shanghai Sharks retired his number 15. Be
honest. How many of you thought the Shanghai Sharks were in the
Campbell Conference?

MOM GIVES LEBRON JAMES $50,000 HUMMER FOR 18TH BIRTHDAY You're
right. There must be a better way to phrase that.

Ohio state high school officials are investigating the gift. If
there's any impropriety, LeBron will lose his amateur status. I
think I speak for fans everywhere when I say, "What amateur
status?"

KELLOGG'S FROSTED FLAKES NAMED OFFICIAL BREAKFAST CEREAL OF THE
NHL Only they had to change Tony the Tiger's catchphrase to
"They'rrrre solvent!"

Two weeks ago there was one bankrupt team in the NHL. Now there
are two. I'm telling you, this cloning thing really works.

There were hints the Sabres were in trouble financially. Former
owner John Rigas's autobiography begins on Chapter 11.

The Sabres may be forced to relocate. Isn't this a little like
saying Diana Ross may be forced to get a designated driver?

But wait. A last-minute buyer for the Senators has emerged. Maybe
you know him--Joe Millionaire?

RUMORS SAY STEVE LAVIN THINKING OF RESIGNING AT UCLA Apparently
he only has enough mousse to last through nonconference games.

The rumor mill also says Lavin could be headed in the direction
of Toledo. Bob Toledo.

MIKE TYSON'S DIVORCE IS FINAL Tyson agreed to pay Monica Turner
$6.5 million in future earnings. However, the purse may be
withheld by the state of Nevada.

WNBA MAY AWARD FRANCHISE TO MOHEGAN SUN Oh, I hope I'm not too
late with a name. The Casino Bouncers.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Eddie Money.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)