The Show

February 03, 2003

Before we begin, anybody need tickets for Jimmy Kimmel IV?

BUCS TURN RAIDERS INTO GROUND CHUCKY Are you like me? Did you get
a lump in your throat when after the game Jon Gruden yelled, "I'm
going to Disney World--to pick up my car!"

Bit of a rout. Halfway through the third quarter the guys in the
ABC truck had switched over to Becker.

Speaking of ABC, I don't want to tell anyone their business, but
who was in charge of on-field audio, Michael Strahan's
orthodontist?

Online fan poll results accounted for 20% of the final Super Bowl
MVP vote. Which explains why the Miller Lite catfight girls
finished fourth.

Rich Gannon set a Super Bowl record with five interceptions. He
was picked off by everyone except Terry Tate, office linebacker.

Come on. Shania Twain had more success in the air than Gannon.

Raiders fans were not allowed to wear or carry the following
items at the game: shoulder spikes, skull masks, scream masks,
spike-covered wristbands, broadswords, light sabers and
battle-axes. And the list was even longer for the guys.

Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge declared Qualcomm
Stadium a no-fly zone for the Super Bowl, which prohibited
aircraft from coming within seven miles on game day. Basically,
it's the same restrictions that apply to Ryan Leaf the rest of
the year.

SERENA SLAMS VENUS DOWN UNDER Come on. This was the most
predictable thing to come out of Australia since the plot for
Kangaroo Jack.

It was the fourth consecutive time the sisters have met in a
Grand Slam final. It's getting a little out of hand. During the
final all the linesmen were named Williams.

In her semifinal Serena was trailing Kim Clijsters 5--1 in the
third set. And you know it was tense. For a few minutes the guy
actually stopped engraving Serena's name on the championship
trophy.

Andre Agassi easily dispatched Rainer Schuettler to win the men's
singles. It was Agassi's fourth Australian title. His third
without hair.

And this is odd. Because of the time change the tournament
actually ended before Andy Roddick and Younes El Aynaoui finished
their quarterfinal match.

NEWS CORP. LOOKING FOR BUYERS FOR DODGERS That sound you hear is
a million people in Brooklyn trying to come up with four hundred
bucks apiece.

The asking price for the team started at $400 million. And if you
make an offer before Feb. 15, the Dodgers will throw in unlimited
hat blocking for Mike Brito.

According to reports, Pete Rose is willing to admit he bet on
baseball. And that was only after Johnny Bench asked him, "What
would you do for a Klondike Bar?"

CAVALIERS FIRE COACH JOHN LUCAS Management felt he'd lost touch
with his players. Well, sure. LeBron James hasn't called him in
weeks.

IOC INVESTIGATING CHARGES THAT IRAQI OLYMPIC CHIEF ODAI SADDAM
HUSSEIN TORTURED ATHLETES Of course, Odai claims he gave the
torture contract to his brother, Luca Brazzi Hussein.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Spiral Staircase.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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