The Show

March 17, 2003

Good to be here. See if you can figure out which jokes are still
on the bubble.

MLB FEELS NEED FOR SPEED Managers, coaches and umpires must watch
a video produced by the commissioner's office with suggestions on
how to speed games up. The video is 20 minutes long. Here's what
I don't get: It took Steve Trachsel 33 minutes to get through it.

Not only that. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan made four trips to
the VCR before starting the tape.

Despite moving to the Cubs, Dusty Baker will still get to manage
the NL in this year's All-Star Game. Baker's thrilled. He already
has a tie picked out.

Pete Rose may be reinstated as early as June 1. It depends on 1)
how fast Major League Baseball can complete its ongoing review
and 2) how well he does on the Pick-Six at the Preakness.

Are you like me? Are you waiting for David Wells to claim that
his Hooters VIP card was taken out of context?

The Reds are having trouble trying to move Ken Griffey Jr. So far
the best offer is from the Orioles. They're willing to give up
Milt Pappas.

FRESNO STATE BANS HOOPS TEAM FROM NCAA TOURNAMENT The school
confirmed allegations of academic fraud. What happened to the
good old days, when boosters used to pay off teachers?

A team statistician revealed he'd written papers for three
players. Fresno State has a no-nonsense policy about this. If
you're caught having someone else write your papers, that's it,
you get sent to Minnesota.

It's not all bad news for the Bulldogs. The investigation
revealed that the towel Jerry Tarkanian used to chew on was
clean.

NBA EXPECTED TO IMPLEMENT MINIMUM-AGE RULE FOR DRAFT Starting
next year you have to be at least 20. Or 18 with a shoe deal and
a Hummer.

In other basketball news, a Celtics-Clippers game was held up for
nine minutes when fans sprayed a macelike substance behind the
Boston bench. Players were coughing, gagging, their eyes
watering. You know, the same reaction as if they'd been told Rick
Pitino was coming back.

The Celtics got guard Bimbo Coles off waivers. I'm no Elias
Sports Bureau, but I think he's the first bimbo to play in Boston
since Margo Adams.

FEDOROV CONFIRMS BRIEF MARRIAGE TO ANNA K The Red Wings star
wouldn't say how long they were married, because they're still
fighting over custody of the cake.

This may explain things: Turns out Kournikova is Russian for
"Jennifer Lopez."

Things just didn't work out. Same old story. Sergei wanted a
stay-at-home wife, and Anna wanted to concentrate on blowing her
tennis career.

In other NHL news, the league is instituting a $1,000 fine for
flagrant divers. And it's $2,000 if you dive and come out of the
tuck position.

But this is nice. For every $1,000 fine for diving, a $50 royalty
goes to Bill Barber.

GIANTS LET JASON SEHORN GO Management just couldn't get around
his contract. Which makes it the only thing in two years that
couldn't get around Jason Sehorn.

LANCE ARMSTRONG AND WIFE SEPARATE She'd had enough. He kept
finishing 46 minutes ahead of her.

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Bread.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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