The Show

March 31, 2003

Good to be here. I don't know about you, but for me, nothing says
March Madness like a Final Four in April.

NCAA DOWN TO ONLY 16 That is, only 16 in-game promos for Survivor.

Butler stunned Louisville in the second round of the tournament.
And I don't get this: Rick Pitino said it would have never
happened if he'd been able to get Tim Duncan.

In other college hoops news, Bob Knight refused to accept his
salary this season because the team fell far short of his
expectations. Oh, my God, he still thinks he's at Indiana!

A'S-MARINERS JAPAN SERIES CANCELED Great. Now what are they going
to do with the 500,000 passes Ichiro left at Will Call?

What a shame. Just when the citizens of Tokyo had come up with
enough money to put a down payment on Miguel Tejada.

The Devil Rays' equipment bus was severely damaged after it hit a
cow. Here's the sad part: Before the accident the cow had the
inside track to be the Rays' fifth outfielder.

Jose Canseco was sentenced to two years' house arrest. Which
means he and brother Ozzie can only start bar fights in his den.

Are you like me? When you heard this news you thought, I hope he
has a pharmacy that delivers.

The Yankees acquired Bubba Trammell in a trade for Rondell White.
This fills the team's need for a righthanded designated driver
for David Wells.

CAVALIERS FINE LEADING SCORER RICKY DAVIS FOR TRYING TO PAD STATS
Davis deliberately took a shot at the opposing basket in an
attempt to get his 10th rebound and a triple-double. It could
have been worse. He could have grabbed the rebound, then stolen
the ball from himself 10 times.

The Cavs' front office was furious. They felt his behavior
completely detracted from the team's 12th win, which put them
only 19 games out of a playoff spot.

You know, this kind of nonsense never happened when John Lucas
was the coach. Back then Ricky only took shots at his own basket
and his own teammates.

NFL CONSIDERS EXPANDING PLAYOFF FIELD If the proposal is
approved, two additional teams will be added to the postseason. A
wild card from either conference and the winner of the Fiesta
Bowl.

Elsewhere, the Falcons have updated their logo. Pretty clever.
It's a bird who's building a nest entirely out of stuff he bought
at The Home Depot.

MORE THAN 3,000 PAIRS OF AIR JORDAN XVIIIS STOLEN Police describe
the thieves as "armed and extremely fly."

Three thousand pairs of Nikes. Wow. That's almost four square
feet of real leather.

So the Jordans never got to where they were supposed to go. Watch
them blame this on Kwame Brown.

JOHN DALY WILL TRY TO DRIVE A BALL ACROSS THE MONONGAHELA RIVER
And if he makes it, he'll still be a one-iron and a wedge away
from the 5th fairway at Oakmont.

SARAH HUGHES WINS SULLIVAN AWARD Very prestigious. It goes to
the nation's top amateur athlete without a Hummer.

My time's up. You've been great. Enjoy Yes.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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