Must-Not-See TV

Eskimos need more ice. Liz Taylor needs more chins. And we need more sports cable networks. Five more-Ice Channel, Black Belt TV, Football Network, Tennis Channel and College Sports Television-debut within the next six months. What can they possibly show when everything is already on TV? You'd be amazed.
April 06, 2003

TV TONIGHT

FOOTBALL NETWORK

7:00
THOSE AREN'T FLAGS!
Highlights from the Nude Flag Football playoffs.

7:30
THE OSBORNES
Reality show captures madcap home life of former Nebraska coach
Tom Osborne. This week: Against his better judgment, Tom
experiments with nonmaple syrups.

8:30
THE PRACTICE
Host Rudy Reuttiger takes you through another exciting Notre Dame
workout.

9:00
NFL FILMS EXTRA
Culled from the editing-room floor of NFL Films, clips that
nobody dreamed would be good enough for TV. This week: "Nearly
Complete Passes!"

10:00
CROTCHFIRE!
Four veteran centers argue quarterback snap techniques.

ICE CHANNEL

7:00
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW
Skating exhibition stars Peggy Fleming and Dorothy Hamill.

7:30
KISS 'N' CRY
Tears and teddy bears rule in the little booth occupied by
skaters, some of them women.

8:00
ALL MY CHILDREN
Parents who sent their five-year-olds out of state to live and
train with figure skating coaches try to recall what their kids
look like years later.

9:00
FEAR FACTOR
Contestants try to survive five minutes in a locked hotel room
with Tonya Harding.

9:30
CSI: SALT LAKE
A French skating judge is murdered with a sequin gun.

10:00
JUST SHOOT ME
Husbands whose wives watch the Ice Channel discuss their options.

BLACK BELT TV

7:00
SASHIMI STREET
Elmo learns a hard lesson about nunchakus.

7:30
PARDON THE CONTUSION
Two sportswriters debate, with the loser being flung against the
dojo walls.

8:00
THE 700 CLUB
Sumo wrestlers weigh themselves.

8:30
E.R.
A trip to the venue where all postfight interviews are conducted
during the World Full Contact Karate Championships.

9:30
THIS OLD HOUSE
Karate experts save big bucks by demolishing a house using only
their foreheads.

10:00
EVERYBODY LOVES SUKI
This week Suki is in hot water for accidentally killing the Fed
Ex guy.

TENNIS CHANNEL

7:00
HOLD, TUCK OR TOSS?
Anna Kournikova hosts this in-depth report on tennis's biggest
controversy: What does one do with the second service ball?

8:00
FUZZ!
Hard-bitten cop Drago (Pete Sampras) investigates a new can of
balls that come out suspiciously bald.

9:00
CATGUT YOUR TONGUE?
Contestants try to find the words to describe Bud Collins's pants.

9:30
TRIPLE FAULT
Venus and Serena Williams's three other sisters continue their
weekly discussions with Dr. Phil about why Richard never taught
them to play tennis.

COLLEGE SPORTS TELEVISION

7:00
SIX FEET UNDER
Interviews with Ivy League basketball centers.

7:30
MY BIG FAT GREEK LIFE
Highlights from the week in sorority and fraternity intramurals.

8:30
SURVIVOR
The last remaining collegiate men's gymnastics team talks about
its chances of winning the national championship.

9:30
AMERICAN IDLE
Profiles of the kind of slugs with enough time on their hands to
watch networks like these.

B/W PHOTO: JEFFERY A. SALTER

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)