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Richmond County Sheriff's Office

April 08, 2003
April 08, 2003

Table of Contents
April 8, 2003

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Departments

Richmond County Sheriff's Office

Application to Protest 2003 Masters Tournament (the Short Form)

This is an article from the April 8, 2003 issue

Due to the volume of applications, the sheriff cannot respond
personally to each one. Check the appropriate responses on this
application for a permit to protest the 2003 Masters Tournament,
then refer to Section B to see if you qualify.

NAME/TITLE

1. ___ Mr. ____________________

2. ___ Ms. ____________________

3. ___ No Title ________________

4. ___ Grand Dragon ___________

SEX

1. ___ Male

2. ___ Other

ETHNIC ORIGIN

1. ___ WASP

2. ___ None of your business

3. ___ American

4. ___ Real American

REASON FOR PROTEST

1. ___ Show support for Augusta National Golf Club

2. ___ Oppose membership policy at Augusta National Golf Club

3. ___ Sick and tired of groups 1 and 2

4. ___ No Kentucky Headhunters concert that week

CLOTHING/EQUIPMENT

1. ___ Green jacket, Rolex

2. ___ Martha Burka (green shawl with hood)

3. ___ Mock turtleneck

4. ___ Stars and Bars T-shirt

SECURITY PROVISIONS

1. ___ Battery of high-priced lawyers

2. ___ Sheriff's deputies earning overtime that will cost
taxpayers plenty

3. ___ SPF 15

4. ___ Twelve-gauge

NUMBER OF PROTESTERS

1. ___ A foursome of CEOs

2. ___ 200 angry women. And Jesse Jackson

3. ___ A bunch of us who want to see the Masters

4. ___ Just me and Cletis and his gal Birdie over there, the
one with the Titleist tattoo on her semiprivates

PROTEST SITE

1. ___ Anywhere in Georgia will do, thank you, Sheriff

2. ___ Magnolia Lane

3. ___ Bleachers at Amen Corner

4. ___ Up in Martha's face

PRIVATE CLUBS HAVE A RIGHT TO...

1. ___ Keep out undesirables

2. ___ Change their ways before we stamp them out

3. ___ Host major championships

4. ___ I got a "private club" to show you right here, Dude

THE TRUE MEANING OF SPORT

1. ___ Friendly competition with one's peers

2. ___ Fair play for all

3. ___ Back nine on Sunday

4. ___ Ned Beatty in them little white panties

WHAT WILL YOU DO IF HELL FREEZES OVER?

1. ___ My colleagues and I pray that there is no hell

2. ___ Knit Hootie some mittens

3. ___ Be nice to Monty

4. ___ Join the N.C.W.O.

A WOMAN'S PLACE IS...

1. ___ Earning her rightful 76% of a man's salary

2. ___ In the driver's seat. With a man under the wheels

3. ___ Anywhere but picketing Augusta National when Tiger Woods
is going for his third straight Masters

4. ___ On the back of a Harley

HOW STRONGLY DO YOU AGREE WITH THE STATEMENT "MARTHA BURK SHOULD
LEAVE AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF CLUB ALONE"?

1. ___ Agree strongly

2. ___ This sounds like a push poll

3. ___ Only if Hootie does too

4. ___ Yee-ha!

WHAT WILL YOU DO IF AUGUSTA NATIONAL GOLF CLUB ADMITS A WOMAN?

1. ___ Make better use of my Pine Valley membership

2. ___ Find something else to protest

3. ___ Buy some 2003 Masters souvenirs

4. ___ Get drunk with my sister

WHAT IS YOUR LONG-TERM GOAL?

1. ___ Keep Augusta National Golf Club's testicles-to-members
rate at two-to-one

2. ___ Get a token woman into Augusta National Golf Club,
claim victory

3. ___ Watch the tournament

4. ___ What was the question?

SECTION B

If you checked response 1 for each question, congratulations--you
will be asked to join Augusta National Golf Club. If you checked
response 2 for each question, your application is denied. If you
checked 3 for each question, you have finally cleared the wait
list and your series badge can be claimed at Will Call. If you
checked 4 for each question, you are not very funny, Mr. Foxworthy.

Thank you for applying for a permit to protest the 2003 Masters
Tournament. Y'all come back now, hear?

This is an article from
the April 8, 2003 issue