Good to be back. Had a bad week. I was kicked out of Iraq for
giving away the location of the Bowl Coalition.

NCAA REACHES CLIMAX Surprising week in college basketball.
Marquette was routed, Texas was upset and Matt Doherty was
eliminated.

Doherty's been gone a week, and already he's received an offer
from Georgia--to teach Jim Harrick Jr.'s 8 a.m. class.

Doherty may have seen things coming last fall. The Tar Heels'
slogan was "Wait till the year after next!"

Michigan State students caused $40,000 worth of damage after the
Spartans were ousted by Texas in the Elite Eight. According to
Big Ten bylaws, you're not allowed to overturn cars and start
fires unless you win a national title.

RED SOX AGAIN HAVE TOP TICKET PRICE IN MAJORS The average is
$42.34. Coincidentally, 4234 is when experts predict the Sox will
win their next World Series.

Derek Jeter may be lost to the Yankees for only six weeks with a
dislocated shoulder, not two to four months as originally
thought. But George Steinbrenner is still furious. Especially
since he found out that Jeter's shoulder went out at night.

The Yankees say Jeter may avoid surgery and be treated
"conservatively." Treated conservatively. What does that mean? He
has to see Trent Lott's orthopedist?

Jeter has been replaced by 25-year-old Erick Almonte. If that
name sounds familiar, he's Danny Almonte's son ... from his first
marriage.

San Diego has an interesting catchphrase this year. "Padres
baseball: Deal with it."

And congratulations to Sammy Sosa, who became the 18th player to
hit 500 home runs. Rafael Palmeiro is still nine away from 500.
But his streak of consecutive games on Viagra is alive at 169.

Palmeiro didn't want to be a pitchman. In fact, the first time he
bought Viagra, he told the pharmacist it was for Rusty Greer.

I don't want to tell people their business, but wouldn't a more
natural spokesman for Viagra be A-Rod?

NBA TO AIR DRAFT LOTTERY IN PRIME TIME ON ABC And they've renamed
it 8 Simple Rules for Dating LeBron.

Last Wednesday, during a Trail Blazers practice, Zach Randolph
punched teammate Ruben Patterson in the face. Things got so out
of hand, players rushed over from two other fights to break it
up.

Ron Artest was fined $20,000 for making an obscene gesture to
Cleveland fans on April 2. Austin Croshere was injured trying to
restrain Artest's finger.

PENGUINS' LEMIEUX MAY RETIRE THIS SUMMER. I think he's just
trying to show up the owner.

Mario feels good physically, but he's desperate to keep pace with
Michael Jordan's career retirements.

Red Wings assistant Joey Kocur was suspended for throwing a chair
onto the ice during a game against the Blues. On the bright side,
every time a coach throws a chair, Bob Knight gets a $50 royalty.

MIKE TYSON COHOSTS JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE And this isn't surprising.
The show's ratings shot up in the coveted 18-34 sociopathic
felon demographic.

ANNIKA SORENSTAM GETS CALLAWAY TATTOO She's calling it Big
Berthmark.

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Kansas.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG
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