Nobody was more shocked than I was when Bud Selig had to undergo
an emergency charisma transplant and named me temporary commissioner.
So, while he's still under the anesthesia, I'm making a few
little changes to a game with more problems than a Baghdad
plumber. Starting today....
Players must have read a book before writing one.
The DH is the rule in both leagues. I'm sick of seeing National
League pitchers swing like they're trapped in a car with a bee.
The Montreal Expos can go to Washington, and Baltimore Orioles
owner Peter Angelos can go to hell.
Any ball hit into the crowd has to be handed to the nearest kid.
Oh, and no more ground-rule doubles. If a fair ball bounces into
the crowd, the fielder better go get it because the batter will
be circling the bases. That ought to be fun. O.K., you're 6'8",
310? You sit in the front row.
Any spam-brain seated behind home plate who is seen waving at the
camera as he jabbers on his cellphone--Can you see me? I'm on
TV!--gets a free tray of beers...poured on him.
A hitter can refuse to walk after four balls. After six balls, he
walks to second base. Sorry, but we'd like to see Barry Bonds
actually swing a bat for our $29.
Of course, all that jousting armor Bonds wears at the plate is
If Bonds still doesn't see a strike in an entire game, the
opposing manager must dress like Cher for a week.
No more phantom tags either. Does Allen Iverson get two points
for an air ball?
A reliever doesn't get a save if the lead wasn't in peril. If the
tying run never came to the plate, there's no save--but he can be
first to the postgame chow.
Big news: We're not just putting in a salary cap, we're putting
in a salary floor. For every $1 million a team is outside that
range, it will be fined $1 million.
As further incentive, any fan with a ticket to an August game in
which both teams are already eliminated from playoff contention
gets his money back.
Oh, and if the name of a ballpark changes more than once in 10
years, the fans take over naming rights. Then, if an owner ends
up with Creatine Yard, it's his fault.
Speaking of which, real drug testing starts today. If a player's
helmet size has increased lately and his chin has started to look
like Jay Leno's, he'd better think about a wrestling deal.
We have to speed up the game. Baseball is about as fast-paced and
thrilling as an Amish prom. So, from now on....
a) Hitters can't leave the batter's box. Penalty: automatic
strike. There is no reason for Jason Giambi to step out and
adjust his gloves, jersey, hat, belt or cup after a ball. Yet he
does it every time. "I don't even know why," he admits. "It's
just habit." It won't be when he starts every at bat 0 and 2.
b) Pitchers can't wander off the mound. Penalty: automatic ball.
Sorry, pitchers won't be able to circle the mound after every
pitch like they're performing Hamlet.
c) Managers can't make more than three trips to the mound per
game. They always say the same thing anyway: "Throw strikes, for
chrissakes!" Gee, thanks, Skip. The idea hadn't occurred to me.
d) One pitching change per half inning. If a pitcher can only get
righthanded hitters out, he should be sent back to Pawtucket.
e) Only two pickoff throws per runner. Penalty: automatic balk.
That spellbinding game of catch between pitcher and first baseman
is officially dead.
No World Series game shall start after 7 p.m. Eastern time. A lot
of kids have never seen one. The scary thing is, most of them
If a batter goes hitless in a game, he doesn't get his
personalized "at bat music" in the next one. We'll pick it for
you. For Bonds: One (Is the Loneliest Number). For Mo Vaughn:
anything by Meat Loaf. For Ichiro...no, he always gets a hit.
David Clyde, the 1973 high school phenom who was rushed into the
majors at 18 so that the Texas Rangers could sell more tickets
and then blew his arm out, gets his pension. He needs about 25
days to reach the minimum service time. The screwing ends here.
Sushi is not a ballpark food. All entrees must touch either flame
or heat, even if it's only from the armpit of the vendor.
There shall be a maximum three repeats of any insult shouted by a
fan. If the player being insulted doesn't smile, glare or snap
his bat like a toothpick, the fan must sit down and come up with
Atlanta Braves pitching coach Lee Mazzone has got to stop rocking
back and forth in the dugout.
Finally, Selig's idea to give the winner of the All-Star Game
home field advantage in the World Series is genius. It's in.
Unfortunately, Bud, it was your only good idea. You're fired. Now
meet the new boss.
Care to say a few words, Commissioner Rose?
manager must dress like Cher for a week.