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The Show

April 21, 2003
April 21, 2003

Table of Contents
April 21, 2003

Sports Illustrated Bonus Section

The Show

Good to be here. Quite a finish at Augusta. Who would have
thought that by Sunday afternoon there'd be more people in the
hunt than in the protest?

This is an article from the April 21, 2003 issue Original Layout

TOUGH FINAL ROUND FOR TIGER WOODS He finished at two over par,
which put him in a tie with Jeff Maggert's chest.

Third-round leader Maggert incurred a fluke two-stroke penalty
when a shot out of the bunker ricocheted off the lip and hit him
in the chest. And speaking of flukes, he caught two retrieving
his ball out of Rae's Creek.

Mike Weir was trying to become the first lefthander in 40 years
to win a major... if you don't count Tiger hitting out of the
trees on the 3rd hole.

The opening round of the Masters was postponed for the first time
since 1939. Of course, in 1939 Martha Burk was on the set of The
Wizard of Oz, trying to get the Lollipop Guild to admit women.

It rained so much the first day, Hootie Johnson actually thought
about giving a membership to Mother Nature.

CBS stayed away from the controversy. Although on one of the
promos for Survivor, I could have sworn I saw Hootie wearing the
immunity necklace.

It took me a while to adjust to the commercial-free broadcast.
But once I moved the TV into the bathroom, I was fine.

BREAK UP THE ROYALS! Despite the hot start, Kansas City is still
a little desperate with marketing. Its 2003 media guide lists
Runelvys Hernandez as "the alltime winningest pitcher named
Runelvys."

And the page on Carlos Beltran is attached with Velcro.

In other baseball news, the Devil Rays signed reliever John
Rocker to a minor league deal. Apparently he's developed a
changeup to go with the straight bigotry.

LEBRON JAMES NOW SAYS HE MIGHT GO TO COLLEGE That means the
Cavaliers have less than a month to build a campus.

LeBron? College? Come on. Next week TNT is televising a draft
lottery to determine the selection order for his endorsements.

Last week LeBron was named Ohio's Mr. Basketball for an
unprecedented third straight year. Not only that, it's the first
time the award was given to a corporation.

STANLEY CUP IN FULL BLOOM We started with 30, we're down to 16
and soon we'll be down to two. No, wait. I'm thinking of how many
teams will be left next year after the NHL doesn't settle its
labor problems.

The Mighty Ducks took a 2-0 lead over the defending champion Red
Wings. That sound you heard was the Rally Monkey grilling octopus.

Congratulations to the Minnesota Wild, which won its first
playoff game. Help me out here. The Minnesota Wild? I thought the
XFL folded.

HALL OF FAME CANCELS ANNIVERSARY SCREENING OF BULL DURHAM DUE TO
ANTIWAR SENTIMENTS OF SUSAN SARANDON AND TIM ROBBINS Does that
mean in its place the Hall will show a few bombs starring Kevin
Costner?

MARION JONES AND TRAINING PARTNER TIM MONTGOMERY ARE EXPECTING
They must have met in the same heat.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Count Five.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG