The Show

April 27, 2003

Before we begin--if you don't like any of these jokes, my caddie
chose them.

FAN GOES AFTER UMP A man jumped onto the field during a White
Sox-Royals game and tried to tackle the first base umpire. Here's
the good news: He wasn't shirtless.

And you know what's really sad? This whole thing could have been
easily avoided if Geraldo hadn't given away the umpire's exact
location.

The man was charged with aggravated battery. I feel so foolish. I
thought "aggravated battery" meant someone catching Rick Ankiel.

In response to the incident, the White Sox have upgraded
security. From now on, fans have to run through a metal detector
before going onto the field.

In other baseball news, the Angels may be sold to
Mexican-American multimillionaire Arturo Moreno. The deal needs
to be approved by 23 owners and the Rally Monkey's accountant.

According to Forbes the Yankees are worth $849 million. And that
figure jumps to more than $850 million once David Wells returns
his empties.

Curt Schilling had an appendectomy. He's expected to miss one
start, and after that he'll be on a strict stitch count.

Dusty Baker seems very comfortable in his new job as the Cubs'
manager. Meanwhile Dusty's four-year-old son, Darren, no longer
allowed to be a batboy, is still getting adjusted to his new job
in a Nike shoe factory.

RAIDERS $1 BILLION FRAUD TRIAL BEGINS I'm no Alan Dershowitz, but
technically, isn't every legal action involving Al Davis a fraud
trial?

Davis is suing the NFL, claiming the Buccaneers' logo is too
similar to the Raiders'. That explains why Rich Gannon kept
throwing to their players in the Super Bowl.

NBA PLAYOFFS BEGIN The Nets routed the Bucks in Game 1 of their
series. Gary Payton scored only eight points, but to be fair, he
was double-teamed all game by Jason Kidd and a Toronto cop.

Payton, Jason Caffey and Sam Cassell turned themselves in to
Toronto police after the game on assault charges stemming from an
incident at a local strip club. As I understand it, the ruckus
started when they tried to stuff 68.5 cents into a G-string.

In other basketball news, call me a cynic, but this latest
retirement by Michael Jordan doesn't even make my top three.

MICHIGAN STATE'S CHARLES ROGERS FLAGGED AT NFL SCOUTING COMBINE
FOR "DILUTED URINE" Experts believe he drank a large amount of
water before his drug test. 0n the bright side, he ran a 4.23 40
to the men's room.

Diluted urine? Help me out here. Does this mean his pro contract
will be negotiated by a masking agent?

Barry Sanders was a presenter at the Sports Emmy Awards in New
York City. He showed up, but he left the stage too soon and did
not explain why.

DETROIT IN DENIAL The Red Wings have their work cut out for them.
No team has lost the first four games in the first round of the
playoffs and gone on to win the Stanley Cup.

Come on. Even the Tigers got a victory in April.

FORMER SNL STAR WILL FERRELL RUNS BOSTON MARATHON He ran for 90
minutes, then was replaced by two guys who are much less
talented.

HOOTIE JOHNSON DECLARES THERE WILL NEVER BE A FEMALE MEMBER AT
AUGUSTA NATIONAL Martha Burk says her protest will now "move off
the sports pages and onto the financial pages." Is that before or
after it makes a stop in the obituaries?

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Henry Gross.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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