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May 05, 2003
May 05, 2003

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May 5, 2003

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Good to be here. See if you can tell which of these jokes have
"upside" and which are "need picks."

This is an article from the May 5, 2003 issue Original Layout

DID YOU FEEL A DRAFT? Five defensive tackles were taken with the
first 13 picks. I hadn't read or heard this much about DTs since
Max McGee before Super Bowl I.

This is so embarrassing. Until last week I thought a "mock draft"
was when you made fun of Chris Berman's comb-over.

I think Mel Kiper Jr. may have too much time on his hands. I
mean, do we really need a list of the 30 Best Available Loads?

Buffalo was very busy. The Bills selected running back Willis
McGahee in the first round, then they traded their third and
fifth picks to get the rights to his orthopedic surgeon.

NBA HEADS INTO SECOND ROUND OF PLAYOFFS ... EVENTUALLY Going on
Week 3 of TNT's coverage, or as it's known to Charles Barkley,
"Forty games in 40 orders of nachos."

Jazz forward Deshawn Stevenson was suspended one game for conduct
detrimental to the team. As I understand it, during the flight to
Sacramento he didn't wait for John Stockton and Karl Malone to be
preboarded.

Sad days at Madison Square Garden. Spike Lee is now heckling
circus elephants.

BUD SELIG SAYS HE PLANS TO STEP DOWN AS COMMISSIONER WHEN HIS
TERM ENDS Selig's tenure ends in December 2006. Which gives Pete
Rose only 31 more months to kiss his ass.

In other baseball news, a Chicago alderman has proposed raising
the fine for trespassing onto a field during a White Sox game,
from $100 to $1,000. That sounds high, but it includes parking.

After 23 games the Tigers are hitting .179 as a team. Things are
so bad that manager Alan Trammell had the phone company come out
to the park and install a Mendoza Line.

Rickey Henderson signed with the Newark Bears of the independent
Atlantic League. Tough league. They don't allow you to refer to
yourself in the third person.

Rickey said he signed with the Bears because he was looking
forward to finally playing for their manager, Walter Matthau.

FAVORITES FALL IN STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS I hope I'm not too late
with a TV slogan. "The NHL Playoffs: Win or Go Broke."

Despite what you've heard, the Anaheim-Dallas series is not best
of seven overtimes.

The Ducks' 4-3 win in Game 1 was the fourth-longest game in
history. There were so many intermissions and studio breaks that
by the fourth OT, Barry Melrose had gone through his supply of
mousse and started dipping into Mel Kiper Jr.'s.

I have to study up on the Wild. Right now, I recognize more guys
on Mr. Personality.

WARNER BROS. OPTIONS SCRIPT FOR MOVIE ABOUT A SPORTS ANCHOR Wait
a minute, isn't there already a film called Dumb and Dumber?

DICK VITALE AND RICK PITINO JOINT OWNERS OF 2-YEAR-OLD RACEHORSE
The thoroughbred will stay in Kentucky for three years, then
leave for a better job.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the New Seekers.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG