The Show

May 11, 2003

Good to be here. Just saw a riveting new sports movie, Bend It
Like the USOC Drug Policy.

RUN FOR THE ROSES NOTHING BUT LAUGHS Funny Cide became the first
gelding to win the Kentucky Derby since Clyde Van Dusen in 1929.
Clyde wasn't a horse, just a guy who had run screaming onto the
track out of surgery.

Favorites are now 1 for the last 23. Or, as the Tigers would call
it, a hot streak.

Domestic Dispute was 10th. He got three calls, but no one pressed
charges.

I guess this isn't surprising. Immediately after the race
Domestic Dispute was claimed by the Hawks' Glenn Robinson.

MAVS STAVE OFF HISTORY AND WIN GAME 7 Call me sentimental, but
it would have been nice to see the Blazers win something this
year other than an adjournment.

Portland lost despite 16 points from ageless Arvydas Sabonis. It
was Sabonis's best game ever following a Michael Jordan retirement.

In the other Game 7, Detroit completed a comeback from 3-1 down.
I bet things turned around when they benched Cujo.

In the last two games the Pistons got offense from rare sources:
77 points from Chauncey Billups and 25 from the Pine Artist
formerly known as Tayshaun Prince.

STEVE BOWDEN, BOBBY'S SON, PLEADS GUILTY TO SWINDLING INVESTORS,
INCLUDING $1.6 MILLION FROM HIS DAD How come I think Steve Bowden
probably tried to recruit Adrian McPherson?

Steve sold unregistered securities with former Alabama
quarterback Brian Burgdorf. This explains why the scam worked.
They kept telling people they were with the SEC.

FIFTY MILLION VIEWERS IN JAPAN WATCH FIRST U.S MEETING BETWEEN
ICHIRO AND MATSUI The game was available on cable as part of
George Steinbrenner's new "HAI Network."

The first pitch aired live at 8 a.m. local time, preempting
Japan's most popular morning show, Sadaharu and Kathie Lee.

Also in baseball, the Rockies have distanced themselves from
recent comments made about homosexuality by their pitcher Todd
Jones. That's good. Usually they just blame the altitude.

Jones said if there was a gay player, "he shouldn't walk around
proud." You know, if it doesn't pan out for Jones in Colorado,
he's got a job waiting as a righty setup man for Pennsylvania
senator Rick Santorum.

In response to the threat of SARS, the Blue Jays offered $1
tickets to a game against the Rangers last week and drew more
than 48,000. Of course SkyDome is covered by the retractable
surgical mask.

Pretty scary. These days the only person in Canada who's not
wearing a mask is Gump Worsley.

CYNTHIA COOPER RETURNS TO HOUSTON COMETS Cooper is 40 years old.
She plans to play one season, retire, play minor league baseball,
come back for one last season of basketball, retire, become part
owner of a team, divest her ownership, come back for one last
season, then try to make it on the celebrity golf tour.

PRESIDENT CLINTON TO ATTEND INDIANAPOLIS 500 O.K. now, everybody
together: "Gentlemen, start your interns!"

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Looking Glass.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)