The Show

May 18, 2003

Sorry I'm late. I had to drop Bob Ryan off at sensitivity
training class.

BRAVES AGAIN LEADING NL EAST Meanwhile, what do you say we cut
the formalities and just declare the Mets Wilpons of Mass
Self-Destruction?

The Mets are dying to attract customers. Last Saturday at Shea
Stadium was Mo Vaughn bobblehead giveaway. And thanks to
state-of-the-art technology, Mo's bobblehead comes with a
jigglegut.

And you can fill the right knee with your choice of fluid.

The Royals won their first 11 games at home, falling one short of
the major league record, set by the Tigers in 1911. Of course,
that's when the Tigers were still using major leaguers.

MIKE SHULA NAMED NEW HEAD COACH AT ALABAMA All that's left is the
contract signing and the gelding procedure.

I don't want to give anyone career advice, but if I were that
stripper, I'd change my stage name from Destiny to Bare Bryant.

PHIL JACKSON UNDERGOES HEART PROCEDURE His angioplasty took two
hours, and there were no complications--except when security had
to warn Jack Nicholson about getting too close to the
anesthesiologist.

The Pistons are 4-0 when Anita Baker sings the national anthem.
Not only that, she's the only one who can post up Ben Wallace in
practice.

Meanwhile, everybody's still criticizing the NBA referees. The
other day David Stern had to fine himself $50,000.

People may actually have a point about the questionable
officiating. The other night I was watching the Nets-Celtics, and
Bennett Salvatore called a foul on Wally Szczerbiak.

It gets worse. During Game 4 of the Lakers-Spurs series, a ball
went off Tim Duncan out-of-bounds, and I swear I heard a ref
yell, "Our ball!"

FORMER ABC SPORTS PRESIDENT HOWARD KATZ NAMED COO OF NFL FILMS
The big transition for him, of course, will be getting used to
doing everything in slow motion.

Tough negotiation. Katz didn't take the deal until NFL Films
promised to give him a recording of the late John Facenda for the
outgoing message on his answering machine.

THERE GOES MR. JORDAN Michael started getting a little bit
suspicious when he walked into Wizards owner Abe Pollin's office
and his secretary was wearing a pink slip.

Call me an optimist, but I believe Jordan will return to the
Wizards' front office. With boxes and bubble wrap.

WILD AND DUCKS BATTLE IN CUP SEMIFINALS There's a lot at stake.
They're playing for the right to be considered the fifth-best
team in the West.

In the East the Senators will net $600,000 for every home playoff
game. If they go all the way, they could make as much as $5
million, plus whatever the Cup will bring in when they sell it on
eBay.

U.S. HAS WORST SHOWING AT WORLD HOCKEY CHAMPIONSHIPS IN 14 YEARS
Do you believe in the "B" pool? Yes!

INDIANAPOLIS 500 MAY HAVE FEWER THAN TRADITIONAL 33 CARS
Apparently, many of the drivers are having trouble getting their
inspection stickers.

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Bobby Vee.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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