The Show

May 25, 2003

Good to be here. I just got off the phone with Phil Jackson's
cardiologist. He says the Spurs' series win cannot be considered
a bypass.

FUNNY CIDE ROUNDS SECOND, HEADS FOR BELMONT The New York-bred
routed the field by almost 10 lengths and could become the first
Triple Crown winner in 25 years. I have a racing etiquette
question: When a gelding is this big a favorite, is it bad form
to use the expression "in the bag"?

This just in: Photographs after the race revealed the only thing
Jose Santos had in his right hand was a middle finger for the
stewards.

MARLINS TAKE "SENIOR CIRCUIT" LITERALLY The new Florida manager
is 72-year-old Jack McKeon. He's four years older than the next
oldest manager, five years younger than the average Marlins fan.

McKeon's old. He's the only manager to use a designated hip.

The previous Marlins skipper, Jeff Torborg, knew his job was in
jeopardy a week ago when Baseball Tonight called and asked for
his earpiece size.

Elsewhere, the Tigers have a promotion going at Comerica Park,
Motown Mondays. Are you like me? Are you thinking Junior Walker
will be the only one playing with All-Stars there this season?

ACC "INVITES" MIAMI, BC AND SYRACUSE TO JOIN CONFERENCE The Big
East stands to lose three of its top teams. But now that we know
Miami is involved, do you have a feeling this thing will end up
being decided in court?

The addition of Syracuse makes sense. When I think of the
Atlantic Coast, I remember all my summers on the ocean in central
New York.

PISTONS ADVANCE TO EASTERN CONFERENCE FINALS Did you have a
chance to see that Game 6 overtime thriller? Afterward Brent
Musberger needed to be treated for hype-tension.

Detroit is now 10-0 in overtime this season. Who wants to break
the news to rookie Tayshaun Prince that he doesn't get paid time
and a half?

The Nets weren't expecting to play Detroit. Byron Scott had only
prepared incendiary remarks about Philly fans.

New Jersey swept Boston in four. On the bright side the Celtics
lasted a game longer than Antoine Walker's personal heckler.

VIJAY SINGH WINS BYRON NELSON CLASSIC Now it's on to the Dinah
Shore....

Citing fatigue, Singh pulled out of this weekend's Colonial a
week after saying Sorenstam should not be allowed to play there.
You know, remarks like that will get him in trouble...and 50%
off his dues at Augusta National.

LEBRON JAMES TAPS AARON GOODWIN TO BE HIS AGENT Goodwin is based
in Seattle. He represents Bucks star Gary Payton and 500
countermen at Starbucks.

Big job ahead for Aaron. I don't want to say LeBron comes with a
lot of baggage, but his posse has a skycap.

GIANTS COACH JIM FASSEL REUNITED WITH SON AFTER 34 YEARS The
kid's first words: "How tough can it be to find a decent long
snapper?"

NEW YORK TIMES FORCES OUT REPORTER WHO FABRICATED INFORMATION
Here's the shocking part: It wasn't the guy who came up with the
formula for its college football poll.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Raspberries.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)