The Show

June 01, 2003

Good to be here. Unfortunately the American Idol people are still
angry with me because I phoned in 200,000 votes for Rocco
Baldelli.

PERRY AND LEONARD TIE RECORD AT COLONIAL WITH 61S Are you like
me? Are you wondering if they put the red tees back in?

ANNIKA DRAWS CROWDS BUT HAS NO PLANS FOR WEEKEND The media
attention early in the week was wild. The New York Times sent six
reporters, and more than half of them actually showed up.

Of course, Jayson Blair filed three stories from Colonial
Williamsburg.

FOR THE FIRST TIME MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL ALLOWS FOX TO MIKE
POSITION PLAYERS Which raises an interesting question: What's
Spanish for "Hey, check out that blonde five rows behind the
dugout"?

The Brewers have employees going door-to-door trying to sell
tickets. The results are not good. So far, 500 people have tried
to order those Thin Mint cookies.

Elsewhere, New York City police arrested a man who was allegedly
harassing Mets general manager Steve Phillips. According to
prosecutors the guy was hanging out every day at Shea Stadium. On
the bright side, he's been showing up more than Mo Vaughn.

Sad days in San Diego. The Padres lost nine in a row and are
playing so poorly they're thinking of wearing the camouflage
jerseys all the time so no one can see them.

The Reds are on pace to challenge the National League record for
home runs in a season. And this is with Ken Griffey Jr. spending
most of the season on the Great American Disabled List.

The new stadium helps. The ball really carries. Every fifth
inning the grounds crew has to drag the upper deck.

CLEVELAND WINS NBA DRAFT LOTTERY The Cavaliers showed up to the
lottery prepared for LeBron James. They brought a personalized
team jersey and a personalized, extra-wide parking pass for the
Hummer.

The Cavs are not allowed to use James as a promotional tool until
the draft, on June 26. So enjoy the last four weeks of the Smush
Parker Era.

DE FERRAN TAKES INDY 500 His teammate, Helio Castroneves,
finished second, just missing an unprecedented third straight
Indy victory. Helio still climbed the chain-link fence after the
race, but this year it was just to escape being kissed by Jim
Nabors.

SENATORS IMPEACHED The Devils won Game 7 in Ottawa 3-2. Jeff
Friesen scored the winner for New Jersey, on an assist from Jason
Kidd.

The Ducks had 11 days between the semis and the finals. And I
don't know how this happened, but Jean-Sebastien Giguere got five
more shutouts.

I gotta tell ya, Giguere has put up more zeroes than that house
on Big Brother.

HBO CUTS TRAINING CAMP SERIES HARD KNOCKS They're thinking of
replacing it with another NFL-related show, Curb Your Ephedrine.

JAYSON WILLIAMS, OUT ON BAIL, TO OPEN A CAR WASH IN NEW JERSEY
It's an extra five dollars if you want the hot alibi.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy R.B. Greaves.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)