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June 09, 2003
June 09, 2003

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June 9, 2003

Track And Field
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The Show

Good to be here. Am I wrong, or does the oversized head on Tiger
Woods's new Nike driver look like LeBron James?

This is an article from the June 9, 2003 issue Original Layout

WORLD CHAMPION ANGELS MEET PRESIDENT BUSH IN ROSE GARDEN
Unfortunately, the Secret Service kept dragging David Eckstein
back to the T-ball field.

People who raise more than $200,000 for Bush's reelection
campaign will be known as Rangers, in apparent tribute to the
team the President once co-owned. Of course, those who cough up
$70 million and have nothing to show for it will be known as New
York Rangers.

Rumor is Ted Turner may buy the Braves. It all depends on if he
can lock up Andy Messersmith to a long-term deal.

After a recent loss Curt Schilling took a bat to a QuesTec camera
used to evaluate umpires. It was the first time the machine
registered a high strike.

Jack McKeon is still adjusting to managing at the age of 72. Last
week he left the "take" signal on for 15 minutes.

NBA PLAYOFFS END HIATUS. FINALS BEGIN ON JUNE 4 Come on. The last
thing stretched out this much in the NBA was Mel Turpin's
waistband.

In other basketball news Larry Brown resigned from the Sixers. In
a related story, Allen Iverson says he's willing to show up late
for practices run by Jeff Van Gundy, Mike Fratello or Mike
Dunleavy.

Miramax Books will pay Yao Ming a reported $1.5 million for his
autobiography. Pretty catchy title: Everybody Wang Zhi-Zhi
Tonight.

Earlier today Yao released this statement: "Please don't tell the
Chinese government I'm getting $1.5 million."

NFL AGENT DREW ROSENHAUS SAYS BRIAN GRIESE WILL UNSEAT JAY
FIEDLER AS DOLPHINS QUARTERBACK Not only that, Rosenhaus also has
Willis McGahee on the phone, pretending to accept deals from
Reebok, Gatorade and Buick.

Note to the Vikings' front office. You're on the clock: 320 days,
23 hours and 45 minutes.

SERENA BREEZES IN FRENCH OPEN EARLY ROUNDS The other night I saw
what I thought were two minutes of highlights. Turns out it was
her entire match.

In other tennis news Wimbledon has eliminated the mandatory
curtsy to the Royal Box. Unless, of course, Queen Latifah is in
the house.

NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN DELIVERS ANNUAL STATE OF THE GAME
ADDRESS It was five minutes of excitement followed by an hour and
a half of clutching and grabbing.

TV ratings for hockey continue to slide. ABC was seriously
thinking of renaming this year's finals Who Wants to Be a
Niedermayer?

Patrick Roy retired after 18 seasons. His pads will now be turned
into affordable housing for three families.

NIKE GIVES $1 MILLION CONTRACT TO 13-YEAR-OLD Are you like me?
Before you found out he was a soccer player, were you thinking,
"This kid must be some kind of genius gluing those insoles"?

JOUMANA KIDD BEING CONSIDERED FOR MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL SIDELINE
GIG Not to be outdone, Eric Dickerson has the inside track on
becoming TJ's nanny.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Spooky Tooth.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG