The Show

June 29, 2003

Good to be here. Just finished a new book about Wizards: Harry
Potter and the Vanishing Season-Ticket Base.

NEXTEL TO REPLACE WINSTON AS CORPORATE SPONSOR OF NASCAR The deal
becomes effective next January, at which time the Winston Cup
will be turned into the Bodine Family Spittoon.

Are you like me? I bet you can't wait for next season's Talladega
500 Minutes.

O.K., one more.... NASCAR driver concussions will each feature
their own distinctive ring.

LENNOX LEWIS CUTS AND RUNS WITH HEAVYWEIGHT BELT When the fight
was stopped after six rounds, Lewis was behind on all cards at
the Staples Center. Help me out here. Nobody could find any
staples for Vitali Klitschko's eye?

In other boxing news, Mike Tyson was arrested in an early
morning brawl in New York City. (I know what you're thinking, but
no, this is not a repeat of The Show from 1988.)

FINALS EXIT: NBA RATINGS TUMBLE Sad. Just when you thought the
low scoring was over.

The ratings were the worst since 1981. But to be fair, the 1981
Finals occurred just after President Reagan had deregulated Brent
Musburger.

To give you an idea how few people were watching, Chris Berman
offered to come up with nicknames for each viewer.

Elsewhere in the NBA, the New Orleans Hornets named Tim Floyd
coach. Apparently they felt his 49-190 record with the Bulls was
misleading. Well, sure. The real challenge is to put up those
kind of numbers with a playoff team.

JOSE CANSECO ARRESTED AFTER TESTING FOR STEROIDS Which answers
the question: If you're under house arrest, is it tough finding a
pharmacy that delivers?

Major League Baseball slapped Canseco with its harshest penalty
for a retired player. From now on, when he's tested for steroids,
he no longer gets his choice of complimentary juice.

Meanwhile, Sammy Sosa is back. During his seven-game suspension,
he collected $500,000 in salary. But seriously, when you add that
up against what he lost in terms of his place in the game....
he's still half a mil ahead.

FORMER HARLEM GLOBETROTTER CLYDE AUSTIN ARRESTED ON FRAUD CHARGES
Austin, an ordained minister, allegedly bilked churchgoers in
Virginia out of $10 million. Apparently, they kept falling for
that bit where he would pretend to throw holy water into the
congregation and confetti would come out.

Austin has pleaded not guilty, but if he's convicted, I've got
the perfect nickname for this guy: Meadowlark Felon.

RANGERS HOPE TO MEISTER JAGR The sticking point is Jagr's demand
that they play home games in Atlantic City.

Saw the Stanley Cup on display the other day in a New Jersey
parking lot. It looked great, except for The Club.

The Bruins traded Josef Stumpel back to the Kings. Turns out he
was the player to be named later in the Josef Stumpel deal.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY TO ENTER CONEY ISLAND HOT-DOG EATING CONTEST
He qualified by devouring 12 hot dogs, and Brian Bosworth.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL TAPS LISA GUERRERO FOR SIDELINE GIG The Fox
Sports Net reporter beat out Summer Sanders, Joumana Kidd and
former producer Don Ohlmeyer's recommendation, O.J. juror number
9.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Edison Lighthouse.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)