The Show

July 13, 2003

Good to be here. Sorry I'm late, but Torii Hunter was arguing
with me over a couple of jokes he thought were too inside.

SERENA HAS VENUS FOR BREAKFAST Venus was hampered throughout the
final by a painful abdominal strain. Call me old-fashioned, but I
miss the good old days when the matches had to be decided by
their dad.

Serena's victory was the fourth straight Wimbledon title for the
sisters. I believe that ties the record set by Ivan Lendl and his
less talented brother, Jerry Van Lendl.

Roger Federer won the men's title over unseeded Mark
Philippoussis. Poor Philippoussis. Not only did he get routed,
but he also fell six aces short of qualifying for the final table
at the World Series of Poker.

Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful to the whole Wimbledon
scene, but if it's called Henman Hill, people should be allowed
to advance only halfway up.

VANCOUVER GETS 2010 WINTER GAMES Figuring in the exchange rate,
they had to come up with 35% more bribe money.

And this is promising. Former Grizzlies G.M. Dick Versace has
agreed to let his hair be used for the freestyle-moguls venue.

HERE COMES THE NEWLY FORMATTED ALL-STAR GAME Or, as they call it
at Fox, The Best Damn Sports Ratings Ploy, Period.

For the first time fans will get to vote online for the All-Star
Game MVP. And remember, the winner gets home field advantage at a
Chicagoland strip club.

The White Sox drew 15,000 walk-ups for Roberto Alomar's first
game. But to be fair, it fell on the same night as Ken
Harrelson's Nehru Jacket Liquidation Sale.

I'm no marketing genius, but if the Expos are looking to boost
attendance at the Big O, how about turning a few concession
stands into Canadian pharmacies?

TIGER WOODS SLUMPS FIELD IN WESTERN OPEN The breakthrough came in
Wednesday's practice round, when Tiger took the restrictor plate
off his driver.

According to a recent poll of PGA fans, 64% say Tiger Woods is
their favorite golfer. Phil Mickelson finished second, and that
was without missing a putt.

In other golf news Vijay Singh announced he'll only speak to the
media if he's leading a tournament. Help me out here. What
tournament was he leading when he made that announcement?

And next year, once again, the Masters will go commercial-free.
Of course that could change if they get a really good offer from
Hooters.

THE DOMINATOR: "I'LL BE BACK?" Dominik Hasek may come out of
retirement. Are you like me? Are you wondering how Detroit can
convince Curtis Joseph the NHL work stoppage is starting a year
early?

Meanwhile, legendary Soviet Red Army coach Viktor Tikhonov has
been lured back to run the Russian national team. At the next
Winter Games he'll be 76. Do you believe in Miracle Ears--yes!!!

In other hockey news Colorado signed Paul Kariya and Teemu
Selanne. That was only after their efforts to land Bryan Trottier
and Mike Bossy fell through.

REFRIGERATOR PERRY FINISHES LAST IN ANNUAL FOURTH OF JULY HOT DOG
EATING CONTEST However, the Fridge will be invited back to Coney
Island next year, based on his body of work.

BECKHAM DONS UNIFORM NUMBER 23 FOR REAL MADRID, IN TRIBUTE TO
JORDAN It's working already. Yesterday, he was served papers by
Karla Knafel.

My time is up. You've all been great. Enjoy Climax.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)