The Show

August 10, 2003

I feel so foolish. I thought voters in California were trying to
recall Al Davis.

BASEBALL G.M.'S MOTOR RIGHT UP UNTIL TRADE DEADLINE The Yankees
acquired All-Star caliber third baseman Aaron Boone from
Cincinnati. So, perpetual Yankees prospect Drew Henson's future
is clear: He'll go to the fall instructional league, where he'll
learn to wear a headset, carry a clipboard and hold for extra
points.

In a recent interview Red Sox owner John Henry claimed that his
team does not believe in ghosts. Was this before or after he told
G.M. Theo Epstein to acquire Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray and Harold
Ramis by Sept. 1?

Tampa Bay sent righthanded reliever Al Levine to the Royals. That
sets up the Devil Rays for their stretch dive.

For the third year in a row the Mariners made no moves at the
deadline. Well, sure. Heathcliff Slocumb wasn't available.

Elsewhere, the Dodgers are 48-0 when leading after eight innings.
Great. Give Eric Gagne another reason not to wash his cap.

OHIO STATE NO. 2 IN PRESEASON COACHES' POLL The Buckeyes lost
seven key players from last year's national champions. Four
starters, and three guys Maurice Clarett said were stolen from
the backseat of his car.

Also in college football, Georgia was forced to discipline nine
players who tried to sell their SEC championship rings. I'm no
yell leader, but I smell the makings of a great chant at Sanford
Stadium: "Weeee fence.... Weeee fence.... Weeee fence.... "

And somehow, the University of Florida ran a photo of a crocodile
on the cover of the Gators' football media guide. Come on. Any
idiot knows the difference. A crocodile has a much narrower snout
than a gator and favors a run-based attack.

SUPED-UP BUCCANEERS ROUT JETS IN AMERICAN BOWL ESPN2 aired the
game live from Tokyo at 5 a.m., then replayed it that night at 8
on ESPN. And I guess this isn't surprising: Joe Theismann offered
to fill in the 12-hour gap with his analysis of four key plays.

The crowd at the Tokyo Dome still isn't particularly football
savvy. They kept demanding a larger portion of Simeon Rice.

As expected, everybody played in this first preseason game. Tampa
Bay's Michael Pittman got one carry, and his probation officer
got four.

In other NFL news the Eagles relaxed the "no outside food ban" at
their new stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. The announcement came
minutes after Pat's Steaks announced it had developed a working
pair of hoagie binoculars.

Dennis Brolin resigned as head groundskeeper for the Patriots
after 10 years, citing "philosophical differences" with coach
Bill Belichick. What does that mean? Brolin believed the grass
should grow vertically and spiritually?

It was a classic power struggle. Every time Brolin brought a
mower onto the field, Belichick insisted the Turk first inform
the grass it was being cut.

MARIO RETURNS FOR ONE MORE SEASON WITH PENGUINS His back feels
great, but his doctors have advised him to avoid lifting anyone's
hopes about a new arena.

EAGLE COUNTY PROSECUTORS GET ADDITIONAL $105,000 TO TRY KOBE
BRYANT CASE Not only that, they're this close to getting a shoe
deal for the jurors.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Swingin' Medallions.

Bill Scheft, the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman, is the author of the novel The Ringer, which is
now available in paperback.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)