The Show

August 31, 2003

Before we begin, be honest: How many of you still think the X
Games are a track meet for Larry King's wives?

LEBRON SIGNS $12 MILLION DEAL TO PROMOTE SPRITE AND POWERADE It's
official: If 7-Up is the "Uncola," Sprite is now the UnKobe.

In other NBA news Arvydas Sabonis retired. He will return to
Lithuania, where his legs have been living for the last two
years.

Tony Massenburg signed with the Sacramento Kings. He's working on
his 12th NBA roster. That ties the record held by Chucky Brown
and Madonna.

U.S. OPEN UNDER WAY WITHOUT SERENA, VENUS Sad. For the next two
weeks, you can find more Williamses at the Alcor Life Extension
Foundation.

The USA Network hired Anna Kournikova as a correspondent.
Perfect. USA never makes it to the semis, either.

The Open organizers are scrambling to generate interest. The
third seed on the ladies' side is Mandy Moore.

And the men's draw is suffering as well. No Sampras, no Funny
Cide, no Empire Maker...

Meanwhile, Andre Agassi is coming out with his own men's
fragrance: Bald Spice.

SACRAMENTO BEE FIRES WRITER FOR COVERING PIRATES-GIANTS GAME
"LIVE" OFF TV FROM UNDISCLOSED LOCATION Which raises a serious
ethical question: What, you can't get hard liquor at Pac Bell
Park?

This guy has no business calling himself a journalist. He should
be calling himself a candidate for governor of California.

The writer had been with the Bee for 34 years. Maybe it's time to
retire and pretend to go to the golf course.

MLB DECISION ON PETE ROSE REINSTATEMENT TO BE MADE SOMETIME AFTER
WORLD SERIES Which is great because his hair dye doesn't expire
until Dec. 1.

In other baseball news Albert Pujols sat out his suspension.
Unfortunately, he'll have to wait until next season to try and
extend his hitting Gary Bennett streak.

Pujols punched Bennett in the face during an altercation on July
13. He was originally suspended two games and three Winston Cup
races.

Elsewhere, the Brewers are thinking of closing the upper deck at
Miller Park. If they had any sense of humor, they'd stretch a
tarp across it with the words LESS FILLING.

NFL IMPLEMENTS PHONE SYSTEM ALLOWING BROADCASTERS TO CALL THE
LEAGUE TO CLARIFY RULINGS ON FIELD And for an additional $4.95 a
minute Paul Tagliabue will talk dirty to them.

Wait, it gets better. If the NFL doesn't deliver the ruling in 30
minutes, it's free.

Panthers All-Pro kick returner Michael Bates was acquitted of
drunken driving. Apparently, he managed to convince the judge
that his weaving was business-related.

PGA CHAMPIONSHIP DRAWS LOWEST RATINGS SINCE 1996 Only six million
people watched the final round. Of course, CBS claims there were
more viewers, but they were hidden by the rough at Oak Hill.

FORMER MLB COMMISSIONER PETER UEBERROTH ENTERS RACE FOR
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR He's worth $68 million. Not to mention $94
million in collusion coverage.

ARIZONA LITTLE LEAGUER HITS THREE HOME RUNS IN ONE GAME And
thanks to ESPN, his wife and kids got to see the whole thing
live.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Lobo.

Bill Scheft, the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman, is the author of the novel The Ringer, which is
now available in paperback.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)