The Show

September 07, 2003

So, Mars is now the closest it's been to Earth in 60,000 years.
Are you like me? Are you waiting for Bud Selig to announce that
the Expos will play 22 games there next season?

EIGHT MORE THAN ENOUGH IN RACE FOR LAST NL PLAYOFF SPOT So many
teams are still alive, Bob Costas twisted an ankle backpedaling
from his original stance against the wild card.

The Expos drew more than 30,000 at Olympic Stadium for a game
against Philadelphia. And what are the odds of this? It was
Puerto Rican Appreciation Night.

In other baseball news the Yankees designated reliever Jesse
Orosco for assignment. The assignment: Learn shuffleboard.

The Pirates held a Girls' Night Out on Aug. 27 at PNC Park. It
came the day after Giles Night Out.

MIKE TYSON SAYS HE'S GOT ADVICE TO OFFER KOBE BRYANT What advice
can he give him, other than "don't get the chicken a la king in
the prison cafeteria"?

JETS ALTER POLICY IN WHICH 22,000 FANS ON WAITING LIST FOR SEASON
TICKETS MUST PAY $50 TO REMAIN ON THE LIST Now, for that same
$50, you get a coupon good for a 16-ounce soda.

Sure, it sounds like a rip-off, but think of all the money Jets
fans have saved not having to buy Super Bowl tickets for 35
years.

To be fair, the $50 annual charge will be applied against the
cost of tickets once you come off the wait list. Or against the
cost of your funeral, whichever comes first.

Elsewhere in the NFL, Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski was
fined and suspended after he broke teammate Marcus Williams's
orbital bone during a fight in practice. I'm going to give Romo
the benefit of the doubt and say it was the glutathione talking.

Romanowski later apologized and explained the whole incident was
just part of a spec script he was developing for ESPN's
Playmakers.

Williams is contemplating legal action. And Al Davis has advised
him to sue the city of Oakland because the stands were half full
when he was punched.

UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI FOOTBALL GAMES AT ORANGE BOWL TO FEATURE
LIMITED ALCOHOL SALES AND A LARGER POLICE PRESENCE And that's
just in the Hurricanes' locker room.

Michigan State defeated Western Michigan 26-21 for the Spartans'
first win under new coach John Smith. John Smith? Hey, after the
way the school handled the Bobby Williams situation, I'd use an
alias too.

KELLI'S PERFORMANCE AT WORLD TRACK CHAMPIONSHIPS WHITEWASHED The
American sprinter may be stripped of her gold medals in the 100
and 200 meters after testing positive for the substance
modafinil. Modafinil is a stimulant that makes you answer only to
the name Marion Jones.

White claims the positive drug test was the result of a
prescription she was taking for a sleep disorder. Well, give some
of that stuff to Jon Drummond, and maybe he'll stop lying down
out of the blocks.

ISIAH THOMAS FIRED AS COACH OF THE PACERS Great. This frees him
up to buy and fold the WNBA.

PHIL MICKELSON FALLS SHORT IN PITCHING TRYOUT WITH TRIPLE A
TOLEDO The Mud Hens are Detroit's top farm club. So, once again,
Phil is not quite up to a Tiger's level.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Juice Newton.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)