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The Show

Sept. 29, 2003
Sept. 29, 2003

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Sept. 29, 2003

The Show

Help me out here. In NFL Europe is it true you're only allowed to
drive on the left hash mark?

This is an article from the Sept. 29, 2003 issue Original Layout

HURRICANE ISABEL WREAKS HAVOC Unfortunately, the rest of the
Tigers' schedule remained intact.

The rain and the 100-mph winds forced the Yankees-Orioles game at
Camden Yards to be rescheduled, then suspended after five
innings. I have to check, but I believe this is the first time in
30 years the term blowhard has been used in connection with the
Yankees to describe something other than Steinbrenner.

Be honest. How many of you saw that joke coming from the Bahamas?

The Twins drew their largest midweek September crowd in 12 years.
And give credit to Carl Pohlad. He did not take up a collection
before turning on the Metrodome air conditioner.

NO. 3 MICHIGAN UPSET The Wolverines were edged by Oregon 31-27.
And the Ducks celebrated by adding nine new uniform jersey-pants
ensembles.

In Vanderbilt's second game after announcing it was disbanding
its athletic department, the Commodores lost to TCU 30-14. Uh-oh,
beaten by the Horned Frogs. Well, there goes the biology
department.

MEMBERS OF A MOUNT ENTERPRISE, TEXAS, CHURCH PROTEST "GAY DAY" AT
THE BALLPARK IN ARLINGTON This raises a serious question: How gay
is the name "Mount Enterprise"?

Remember, homosexuality is not a choice. Signing Chan Ho Park for
$65 million--that's a choice.

Hey congregants, why stop there? You know, those two guys who
were touring stadiums in that MasterCard commercial a couple of
years ago looked way too chummy.

VIKINGS PILLAGE TO 3-0 START Minnesota won its sixth straight
regular-season game 23-13 over the Lions, despite losing Daunte
Culpepper to an injury. The quarterback spent the second half
with ice on his back ... in addition to the talk-radio callers
that are always there.

The NFL has a new public service ad campaign: "Stay in School,
and Don't Sue Us."

This just in: According to Mike Shanahan, Jake Plummer will be
listed as probable next week with a hysterectomy.

The NFL did not fine Shanahan, who originally claimed his
quarterback had suffered a mild concussion when he had actually
sustained a mild shoulder separation. But he may lose five yards
for an illegal shift.

The league did not punish Shanahan for two reasons: 1) The rules
for reporting in-game injures are vague; and 2) It was funny.

NBC MAKING HOURLONG DRAMA LOOSELY BASED ON LIFE OF LAKERS VP
JEANIE BUSS I don't know if America is ready for The Jerry West
Wing.

"Loosely based" on Jeanie Buss. What does that mean? She's dating
Tito Jackson?

Elsewhere, Turner has hired Spike Lee to produce commercials for
TNT's NBA coverage. I'm no astronomer, but do you get the feeling
Mars Blackman is the closest it's been in decades?

WOMEN'S WORLD CUP UNDER WAY Big rule change this year. You cannot
use your hands ... to take off your shirt.

DON KING PLANS TO START 24-HOUR BOXING CHANNEL IN 2004 Ooh, I
hope I'm not too late with a name: Fix Sports Net.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Men Without Hats.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG