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The Show

Oct. 06, 2003
Oct. 06, 2003

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Oct. 6, 2003

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The Show

Good to be here. Is it too late to wish John Rocker a happy Rosh
Hashanah?

This is an article from the Oct. 6, 2003 issue Original Layout

CUBS GRAB LAST SPOT ON PLAYOFF DANCE FLOOR The NL Central champs
are ready for the Braves. The rotation is in order, and Dusty
Baker got his kid a fake ID.

The surprising Marlins won the NL wild card. And the Florida
players dumped a bucket of Ensure over Jack McKeon.

David Szen, the Yankees' traveling secretary, was arrested for
misdemeanor battery in Chicago after the team clinched the AL
East. Szen allegedly pushed a security guard, then went missing.
The police took a while to find him. They had a few leads, but
Jeff Weaver blew them.

Szen was released on a personal recognizance bond. Funny. I
assumed he'd be bailed out by Mariano Rivera.

In other baseball news the Tigers' magic number is still 1962.

The Tigers finished with 119 losses. I'm just glad Ernie Harwell
retired after last season. Although it would have been fun to
hear him repeatedly use the word suck.

GATORS SCORE 21 IN FOURTH TO BEAT KENTUCKY The Wildcats were
knocked off with three minutes left when Jared Lorenzen was
intercepted trying to throw the ball away. And I don't get this.
After the game Lorenzen claimed he was just trying to keep the
ball out of the hands of the LSU offense.

The win kept Florida in the AP Top 25 for the 226th consecutive
week. And kept Ron Zook's job secure for a record 170th
consecutive hour.

SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI SPENDS NIGHT IN JAIL AFTER GETTING IN A
FIGHT AT A BAR Which makes him the only Raider who's performing
the same as he did last year.

The Eagles won their first game of the season 23-13 in Buffalo.
And this is promising. Next week city officials are going to lift
the ban at Lincoln Financial Field and let Donovan McNabb bring
in his own offense.

Speaking of new facilities, have you seen the renovation job on
Soldier Field? Who did this? Queer Eye for the Stadium Guy?

Turns out that during the Browns' comeback win in San Francisco
two weeks ago, QB Kelly Holcomb played with a broken bone in his
leg. Not to be outdone, during the same game Tim Couch's headset
was really, really tight.

The NFL fined the Broncos $25,000 for wearing their white
uniforms for their Sept. 14 game in San Diego. A quick-thinking
Mike Shanahan immediately listed himself as "questionable" with
color blindness.

BRIAN SHAW RETIRES AFTER 14 SEASONS TO TAKE FRONT OFFICE JOB WITH
LAKERS I believe his official title is Executive in Charge of
Changing the Subject.

Elsewhere, the Heat cut coach Pat Riley's salary by about
$500,000. Are you like me? Are you wondering whether, legally,
you can sew an Armani label inside a suit from Lands' End?

CAFFEINE TAKEN OFF BANNED SUBSTANCES LIST FOR 2004 OLYMPICS
Terrific. This clears the way for putting up a Starbucks next to
the high jump pit.

ROUGHLY 12 MILLION PEOPLE PARTICIPATE IN FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUES
Sure, that sounds like a lot, but if you subtract women and men
who have been on a date in the last decade, it's only 11.9
million.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Rick Springfield.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG