The Show

October 12, 2003

Before we begin, just wondering: Is Byung-Hyun Kim eligible for
the national Do Not Call list?

MARLINS ARE SOMETHING WILD Florida eliminated last year's N.L.
champion Giants in four games. Which raises the question: What is
Jason Schmidt's record on 185 days' rest?

You have to admire baseball's resiliency. Wasn't it only a year
ago that Bud Selig wanted to contract two teams, and one Alex
Gonzalez?

Florida is now preparing for the NLCS. They've opened up 65,000
seats at Pro Player Stadium and added 50,000 handicapped parking
spaces.

The Cubs were confident they were going to win their series.
Before Game 5 Sammy Sosa had ordered a case of champagne--with
screw-top caps.

You know, if Andruw Jones was any shallower, he'd be dating
models.

BUH-BYE WEEK FOR RUSH LIMBAUGH Limbaugh called Donovan McNabb
overrated and implied the media wants him to do well because he's
black. ESPN executives were livid. Rush wasn't scheduled to make
his first racially insensitive remark until Week 10.

Bad week for Limbaugh. He's under investigation for illegally
obtaining thousands of dollars' worth of prescription drugs. Of
course, Rush will end up accusing the media of wanting the black
market to succeed.

Wait a minute. If Rush is found to have used narcotics illegally,
does that mean the NFL will let him return in four weeks?

Elsewhere, a federal judge recently ruled the name "Redskins" is
not offensive. Okay, fine. Now how about a ruling on grown men
wearing dresses and rubber pig noses?

San Diego wide receiver David Boston apologized for missing
practice and fighting with a coach by issuing a 37-second
statement. Damn. If he'd only spoken another 23 seconds, it would
have been the most time-consuming drive by the Chargers offense
this season.

Memo to Terrell Owens: I checked. Decaf is not on the NFL banned
substances list. Knock yourself out.

CAVALIERS TO APPEAR ON NATIONAL TV 13 TIMES THIS SEASON Big deal.
For the next six months the Lakers will be on Court TV every
night.

The Nuggets hired Jim Harrick as a scout and consultant. Not only
that, his son got a gig not teaching a phantom 8 a.m. class at
Denver High.

NHL SHORTENS LEGAL LENGTH OF GOALIE PADS TO 38 INCHES I don't
think this is the kind of cutting back the owners had in mind.

The league reported losses of $300 million last year. Man, who
knew that safety netting was so expensive?

MIAMI EDGES WEST VIRGINIA TO REMAIN UNBEATEN The Hurricanes will
be without starting tailback Frank Gore for the rest of the
season. Some people in Miami prefer Jarrett Payton over Gore.
Come on. Most people in Dade County still prefer Pat Buchanan
over Gore.

JAMES TONEY BRUTALIZES HOLYFIELD FOR NINTH-ROUND TKO After the
fight the 40-year-old former champ said he was "going back to the
drawing board." Are you like me? Are you hoping that drawing
board has a design for an Evander Holyfield Grill?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Bus Boys.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR PHOTO: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)