The Show

October 19, 2003

Hey, what happened? Didn't anybody tell Pedro Martinez and Don
Zimmer about Separation Saturday?

RATINGS FOR THE PLAYOFFS HIGHEST IN YEARS The Cubs are drawing so
many viewers, Fox is thinking about a spin-off show, Grudzielanek
in the Middle.

In its Game 3 victory, Chicago got a two-run homer from Randall
Simon. I believe he hit a hanging bratwurst.

Byung-Hyun Kim was left off the Red Sox' roster for the Yankees
series because of shoulder tightness. I don't have the latest
Gray's Anatomy, but when did the Adam's apple become part of the
shoulder?

NO. 1 SOONERS LATER LONGHORNS 65-13 The game was such a rout ABC
sold the rebroadcasting rights to NBC as a two-part episode of
Miss Match.

You know a game is out of hand when midway through the second
quarter Brent Musburger starts hyping the guys working the
chains.

Minnesota was trying to go 7-0 for the first time in 43 years. To
give you an idea of how long ago that is, in 1960 the Big Ten had
only 10 teams!

GUESS WHO LEADS THE NFC EAST? The Cowboys are 4-1, yet despite
the strong start, insiders still believe Bill Parcells may have
trouble with Jerry Jones being on the sideline during games. No
problem. Jones will just have his plastic surgeon make him look
like Dat Ngyuen.

I missed the Jaguars-Dolphins game. Did Jack Del Rio get called
for a chop block?

The Broncos beat Pittsburgh 17-14. See what happens when you kick
away from Dante Hall?

ESPN is still recovering from the Rush Limbaugh fiasco. I'm
pretty sure I heard Steve Young refer to the NFC Central as the
And Blue Division.

You know, if Rush Limbaugh had a sense of humor, after he gets
out of rehab, he'd show up at Sunday NFL Countdown with the open
shirt, the sunglasses, the medallion, then start talking point
spreads and referring to Chris Berman as Phyllis George.

I didn't even know they kept these statistics, but Warren Sapp's
average start of possession during pregame warmups is the
opponents' 35.

AL MICHAELS PREPARING HIS DEBUT AS NEW TV VOICE OF THE NBA Do you
believe in acquittals? Yesss!!!!

In other NBA news, the first series of LeBron James's signature
Nike shoe, the Air Zoom Generation, is modeled after his Hummer
H2. Wait a minute, does that mean it can be purchased only by
your mother?

Congratulations to Mavs owner Mark Cuban, whose wife had a baby
girl. She's already keeping them up at night--crying about
officiating.

Dallas signed a player from Iceland. Help me out here. Is that
the country or the George Gervin estate?

SCOTT STEVENS AND ANSON CARTER APPEAR ON EPISODE OF WHOOPI Well,
there goes the entire NHL advertising budget.

The producers of Whoopi wanted to get Martin Brodeur, but he's
not used to facing that many shots.

SCIENTISTS CLAIM THEY HAVE EVIDENCE THE UNIVERSE IS SHAPED LIKE A
SOCCER BALL Not only that, the Big Bang was started by God
yelling, "Gooooaaallllll!!!!"

MAN KEEPS 400-POUND BENGAL TIGER IN NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT This
answers the question, What ever happened to Brian Blados?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Standells.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR PHOTO: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)