The Show

November 17, 2003

O.K., by applause, how many of you thought the only person who
could beat Tiger Woods for a money title was Oprah?

TOP-RANKED OKLAHOMA DECIMATES TEXAS A&M 77-0 It was the most
lopsided loss in A&M history and would have been worse if the
Sooners hadn't let the Aggies play the last 30 minutes with the
12th Man.

In a recent interview Joe Paterno said he would only leave Penn
State if the White House said he was needed in Iraq. What are the
odds he'd pick the only place whose rebuilding program may take
longer?

NFL NETWORK GOES ON AIR It's just like the Golf Channel. Except
the Golf Channel has more live football.

All NFL 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That's a lot of
programming to fill. On Day Two, the first hour was just Rich
Eisen sitting around, waiting for the results of his random drug
test.

Warren Sapp and Michael Strahan have debuted a regular spot in
which they debate various league issues. I hope I'm not too late
with a title: Pardon the Encroachment.

WIZARDS OWNER ABE POLLIN HAS REMOVED ALL MICHAEL JORDAN-RELATED
ITEMS FROM THE MCI CENTER Help me out here. Does that include
7,000 filled seats?

Kobe Bryant's next court appearance was moved from Monday, Nov.
10, to Thursday, Nov. 13, at the request of the prosecutors. Do
you know what this means? They prefer CSI: Miami to the regular
CSI.

In other NBA news, Kevin Garnett was fined $5,000 for throwing a
ball into the stands. And this is lame. KG claims he spotted an
open Wally Szczerbiak.

RAMS BEAT RAVENS 33-22 St. Louis improved to 6-3 despite four
turnovers and 121 yards of total offense. The win was so ugly it
was automatically added to the cast of NBC's Average Joe.

Elsewhere, the Falcons upset the Giants to end their seven-game
losing streak and give Dan Reeves his 200th career win. And today
Arthur Blank took out a full-page ad apologizing for Deion
Sanders.

What a relief for Reeves. He had been stuck at 199 longer than
Mario Mendoza.

Raiders defensive tackle Darrell Russell was reinstated a year
and a half after testing positive for ecstasy. He was picked up
by Steve Spurrier, which, coincidentally, is one of the side
effects of ecstasy.

RED SOX TEAM DOCTOR ARRESTED ON DRUNK DRIVING CHARGES He failed
four field sobriety tests. And Red Sox fans are blaming Grady
Little for leaving him in for the last three.

Serious bust. His blood alcohol level was .1918.

Elsewhere, the White Sox named Ozzie Guillen their new manager.
Guillen retired in 2000 and has spent the last three years
cleaning his batting helmet.

MESSIER MOVES TO SECOND ON ALLTIME NHL SCORING PARADE The 24-year
veteran scored an empty-net goal to pass Gordie Howe. Here's what
I don't get. The assists went to Kovalev and Gretzky.

The NHL has hired former Al Gore consultants to do p.r. So, if
they do their job, get ready for four years off.

MU'AMMAR GADHAFI'S SON, ITALIAN SOCCER PLAYER, TESTS POSITIVE FOR
STEROIDS Of course the kid claims he got the stuff from his twin
brother, Ozzie Gaddafi.

U.S. BASEBALL TEAM FAILS TO QUALIFY FOR OLYMPICS Great. Now Roger
Clemens has to convince people he's Dutch.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Motels.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

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