The Show

December 01, 2003

I've got to start reading the front of the newspaper. I thought
"Neverland" was a reference to the Bengals' being in first place.

CANADIENS, OILERS PONDER LIFE The teams drew 57,000 at
Commonwealth Stadium in the first regular-season outdoor game in
NHL history. In Canada the windchill was listed as -28. Isn't it
great to see -28 when it's not the line on Oklahoma?

The alumni were affected by the elements. Claude Lemieux dropped
his gloves three times--to blow on his hands.

A streaker ran out in the middle of the alumni game, wearing only
a shirt, a hat and an artfully placed sock, and was chased by
police for several minutes. Are you like me? Are you thinking we
have a new spokesman for Labatt?

NFL SAYS RAIDERS WHO TESTED POSITIVE FOR THG WON'T BE SUSPENDED
What is this, Bring Bud Selig to Work Day?

The NFL Players Association was irate that the results were
leaked to the media. (Note to union reps: Next time, when
discussing drug tests, check Roget's and find another word for
leak.)

BUCCANEERS DEACTIVATE KEYSHAWN JOHNSON Finally, they sent him on
an "out" route.

Keyshawn's teammates had grown used to his complaining. In fact,
two weeks ago Simeon Rice guaranteed a whine.

The former All-Pro had been dropping hints he wasn't happy. He
put his Tampa home up for sale, and he changed the name of his
local restaurant from Profusion to TGI Free Agency.

Elsewhere, the Lions lost their 22nd straight road game, one shy
of the NFL record. Sad. No luck on the road, problems at home....
No, wait. I was thinking of William Green.

The Nov. 16 Cowboys-Patriots game on ESPN was the
fifth-most-watched cable broadcast ever. Not only that, most of
the viewers stuck around for the postgame open-mouth kiss between
Parcells and Belichick.

WOLVERINES GNAW BUCKEYES 35-21 But don't worry about Ohio State.
The team can still play for the national championship, thanks to
the brand-new BCS Do-Over Bowl.

Actually, I believe it's the Xerox Do-Over Bowl.

Elsewhere, No. 3 LSU beat No. 15 Mississippi 17-14. The Tigers
sacked Eli Manning three times, but a Manning family lawyer says
it was not because he left his backside exposed.

NBA STARS PLAY FOR CHARITY ON WHEEL OF FORTUNE Unfortunately the
hosts were Pat Sajak and Jahidi White.

The producers really blew it. How can you have NBA Week on Wheel
of Fortune and not get Rasheed Wallace to show up and say, "Is
there a T?"

Some people just don't know the game. Three times Bill Walton
asked Sajak if he could buy an ankle.

U.S. GOVERNMENT OWES $800,000 IN DUES TO WORLD ANTI-DOPING AGENCY
But the street value is closer to $4 million.

That's $800,000 overdue to an antidoping agency. You know, if
Barry Bonds is really serious about changing his image, he should
break out that MasterCard!

METS FIRE SCOUT FOR RACIALLY INSENSITIVE REMARKS TO DODGERS
EXECUTIVE KIM NG Bill Singer blamed his actions on a chemical
imbalance that resulted from his new diet combined with alcohol.
Yeah, I believe it's that new Low Carb, High Slur diet.

CONVERSE DEBUTS NEW $90 SHOE, "LOADED WEAPON" Or, as they're
known on the street, Glock Taylors.

NO WINNERS IN PRESIDENTS CUP Help me out here. Does that mean the
Supreme Court will just give it to Bush?

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Foghat.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)