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Too True To Be Good All year our resident Santa has been making his list and checking it twice, and now he's found out who's been naughty...and who's been wildly--and ridiculously--off-base

Dec. 29, 2003
Dec. 29, 2003

Table of Contents
Dec. 29, 2003

Cover Image
Year In Review

Too True To Be Good All year our resident Santa has been making his list and checking it twice, and now he's found out who's been naughty...and who's been wildly--and ridiculously--off-base

IN THE CREDITS, HE WAS WILBUR WOOD
Cleveland Indians minor leaguer Kazuhito Tadano acknowledged that
he had performed, while a college student in Japan, in a gay porn
film.

This is an article from the Dec. 29, 2003 issue Original Layout

WASN'T THAT A LINE FROM THE KAZ TADANO FILM?
After people wearing hot dog and Italian sausage costumes
collided during a footrace at Miller Park in Milwaukee, Brewers
manager Ned Yost said, "I just looked over and saw our wieners in
a wad."

HOW MANY POLISH SAUSAGES DOES IT TAKE TO FILE A CLASS-ACTION
LAWSUIT?
The wieners fell after Pittsburgh Pirates infielder Randall Simon
hit the Italian sausage with a Louisville Slugger.

HE WAS PLACED IN FRENCH CUFFS
A man featured on the Kiss-Cam at the Great American Ballpark in
Cincinnati was recognized by his probation officer, who promptly
had him arrested for a parole violation.

HOSPITALITY A LA ROMANO?
Dodgers centerfielder Jason Romano tackled a fan who had run onto
the field and was headed toward leftfielder Brian Jordan. "He
came after BJ, tried to shake his hand or something," said
Romano. "I just laid him out."

AND HIS FAITHFUL SIDEKICK, JUAN ZIMMER
At the NYU commencement ceremony, New York mayor Michael
Bloomberg, sharing the dais with the manager of the Yankees,
said, "It is a pleasure to be up here with Joe Torrez."

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE SPECIAL TEAMS
Bloomberg suggested he would like to boost troop morale by
sending the New York Giants' cheerleaders to Iraq. The Giants
don't have cheerleaders.

BY THE REAL JOE TORREZ
Bloomberg, a multibillionaire, was denied a Sears card while
shopping in Queens.

MARKETING WHIZ
The Sackets Harbor Brewing Company developed Funny Cide Light
Beer.

WHILE SHIRIN EBADI WAS WINNING THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE....
Steve Wiebe, 34, of Redmond, Wash., scored 947,200 points on
Donkey Kong, breaking a 19-year-old world record.

SZCZERBIAK AND MONTENEGRO
When a foreign reporter asked Gary Payton at the NBA All-Star
Game to "say some words on Serbia," the Glove replied, "Well,
he's a good player for Minnesota."

THREE BRICKS SHY OF A LOAD
Asked why he shot so many threes, former Celtic Antoine Walker
replied, "Because they don't have fours."

IF WE HAD JUST HIT A FEW MORE FOURS....
After the Pistons defeated the Celtics 118-66, a game in which
Boston trailed by as many as 60 points, Walker said, "We had some
shots early in the game that went in and out. There were tough
breaks like that."

HUT! HUT! YUCK!
In the first quarter of Clemson's season opener against Georgia,
center Tommy Sharpe vomited on the football before snapping it to
quarterback Charlie Whitehurst, who promptly fumbled.

I ORDERED A BUD AND A BUD LIGHT, NOT A BUTT IN A BUD LIGHT
A 68-year-old concessions worker was arrested in Tampa for
pouring beer into used, unrinsed cups gathered during the
Buccaneers-Packers game, and keeping $1,080 in unreported sales,
which she now says she was going to return.

FOOTBALL REFS WOULD HAVE SPOTTED IT ON THE HASH MARK
A Michigan high school basketball playoff game between Northview
and Ottawa Hills was halted in the first quarter so that
officials could remove a bag of marijuana from the court.

WHO LEAKED THIS STORY?
The costume of Livi Lion, mascot of the Livingston (Scotland)
Football Club, was allegedly urinated on by a staffer for rival
Dundee.

ALAS, NO GREEN LIFE JACKET
Greg Norman bought a $70 million, 285-foot yacht with seven
auxiliary boats and a $1 million home theater.

A DRUNK GUY DANGEROUSLY LOW ON CARBS WALKS INTO A BAR
After Bill Singer, assistant general manager of the Mets, made
crude racial remarks to an Asian-American Dodgers executive at a
hotel bar in Phoenix, he blamed the incident on an addling
combination of alcohol and the Atkins diet.

IT'S A BIG WORLD AFTER ALL
Told that the Dodgers executive's ancestors came from China,
Singer replied, "Which country in China?"

BUT THEY'RE STILL ENTITLED TO FREE BALL-WASHING
Boston mayor Thomas Menino halted a long-standing city program
that offered free golf to local ministers.

HOWEVER, I DID ONCE THREATEN TO EAT THE CHILDREN OF AN
ENGLISH-CANADIAN-JAMAICAN DUDE
Tyson added, "I got nothing against Japan. Japan has always been
respectful and courteous to me, and I've always been respectful
and courteous to Japan."

WHAT MAKES SCOTLAND TIC?
Before their Rugby World Cup match against France, Scottish
players twitched violently while the national anthems were
played, in homage to suspended flanker Martin Leslie, who has a
violent twitch.

HE ONLY WATCHES NASCAR TO SEE COMPUTERS CRASH
Stock car fan Michael Melo pleaded guilty to a federal
misdemeanor charge of damage to a protected computer system for
sending more than half a million e-mails to the Fox affiliate in
Boston after a Red Sox game preempted a NASCAR race.

BASICALLY, WE JUST WANT OUR JEWELS BACK
Jim Harrick Sr. and Jim Harrick Jr., who both left their jobs as
basketball coaches after numerous charges of improprieties at
Georgia came out, have requested a "name-clearing" hearing,
alleging that the university robbed the pair of "the jewels of
their souls."

YET ANOTHER MAN NO LONGER IN POSSESSION OF HIS JEWELS
A former media relations assistant for the Sacramento Kings filed
a wrongful-firing suit against the team--which is being
vigorously contested--claiming that the wife of Kings guard Doug
Christie pressured management into firing her for allegedly
flirting with Christie while she was informing the player that he
had a phone message.

HE'S JUST LOOKING FOR A STABLE RELATIONSHIP
According to the Bigfork (Mont.) Eagle a naked man was discovered
in flagrante delicto with a stabled horse near Echo Lake, the
second time the horse had been molested in a matter of days. "He
left his boots and a bottle of hand lotion behind," said Flathead
County sheriff Jim Dupont. "It appears we have a serial horse
rapist."

HAVE WE GOT THE GUY FOR YOU
Jacquelyn Allen-MacGregor was sentenced to four years in prison
for stealing more than $2 million from her employer, the United
Way charity, to buy show horses. She told the judge, "I do
believe that I'm obsessed with horses."

AND YOU THINK YOUR JOB BLOWS
The retired superintendent at the Metrodome told the Minneapolis
Star Tribune that he used to adjust the stadium's
air-conditioning in the late innings of close games. When the
Twins were losing, said Dick Ericson, "you'd want to be blowing
all the air out and up as much as you can."

NUT FINDS SQUIRREL
Twiggy the Water-Skiing Squirrel tours America, providing
entertainment and promoting water safety. "Twiggy's gonna be the
Smokey the Bear of water safety," her owner, Lou Ann Best, told
The Washington Post. "Maybe the next president or the next Billy
Graham will be saved because Twiggy taught him to use a life
jacket."

NO ONE WAS INJURED, THANKS TO TWIGGY THE WATER-SKIING SQUIRREL
A car traveling on Interstate 77 near Charlotte was struck by an
airborne speedboat that had flown out of nearby Lake Norman.

CRIME DOES PAY--ABOUT $4 AN HOUR
A burglar in Tampa spent a week digging a 40-foot tunnel into a
Sports Authority store, making off with $3,500 in sneakers,
children's gear and Buccaneers jerseys during a predawn heist.

THE YELLOW ROSE OF SOWETO
According to news reports, South African boxer Dingaan (the Rose
of Soweto) Thobela abandoned his bout with Mads Larsen--fleeing
his hotel and leaving his luggage--upon seeing the imposing
physique of his heavily tattooed opponent.

COED SHAVEDOWN? WASN'T THAT A KAZ TADANO FILM?
Officials in Campbell, Calif., ended the city-sponsored swim
teams' long-standing, "team-building" tradition of coed
"shavedowns" among 14-to-17-year-olds in a community center
locker room.

AFTER WHICH HE WAS PROMPTLY HIRED AS A TALK-RADIO HOST
A man alleged to have thrown screaming tantrums at Shea Stadium
was charged with stalking Mets general manager Steve Phillips and
ordered to undergo a psychiatric examination.

IN JOHN DALY'S HOUSEHOLD, THAT'S KNOWN AS THE DAILY COMMUTE
A 22-year-old woman was charged with drunken driving in Goshen,
Ind., after she stole a golf cart from Black Squirrel Golf Club,
drove erratically down several roads, pulled into a driveway and
passed out.

ANOTHER REASON NOT TO DRINK AND DRIVE
John Roche was charged with leaving a profanity-laced death
threat on the answering machine of Kobe Bryant's accuser. A
friend described Roche as a "sports fanatic" who had been
drinking all day at a golf tournament before making the call.

I AM ALSO CHAFING, AND IN DESPERATE NEED OF A DIAPER CHANGE
After signing three-year-old Mark Walker to an endorsement
contract, Reebok ran ads on its website in which the basketball
prodigy declares, "I am Reebok."

THREE-YEAR-OLDS WITH SNEAKER DEALS? WHAT'S NEXT, BETTING LINES ON
12-YEAR-OLDS?
Several online gambling sites offered odds, and accepted bets, on
the Little League World Series.

RIGHT, AND SEVEN-YEAR-OLD SOCCER STARS ARE DRIVING LUXURY SEDANS
A seven-year-old in East Hartford, Conn., was stopped by police
during the evening rush hour while driving a Lexus home from
soccer practice.

SURE, AND 14-YEAR-OLD SOCCER STARS GET MILLION-DOLLAR NIKE
CONTRACTS
Fourteen-year-old soccer star Freddy Adu signed a $1 million
contract with Nike and a reported $500,000 contract to play for
D.C. United.

IN HER DEFENSE, SHE DID HAVE 10 GRAND RIDING ON THE GAME
Police in Wakefield, Mass., charged a mother--who denies any
wrongdoing--with assault and battery for beating and kicking an
11-year-old boy who rooted against her son's Little League
baseball team.

HE'S TAKING IT TO THE HOUSE! AND, QUITE POSSIBLY, TO THE SENATE!
The House Judiciary Committee of the U.S. Congress held a hearing
on the Bowl Championship Series.

PUTTING THE GUN BACK IN RUN 'N' GUN
A 46-year-old man in Pinson, Ala., was charged with attempted
murder for grazing his son's ear with a pistol shot following the
Crimson Tide's double-overtime football loss to Arkansas. Said a
Jefferson County sheriff's spokesman, "We're passionate about our
sports, but that's crossing the line."

HEY, THEY'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT THEIR SPORTS
Budget cuts forced the Alabama Department of Public Safety to
limit its statewide, nighttime highway patrol to five or six
troopers, though as many as 17 provide security at every home
game for the state's college football teams.

HE ALMOST ADOLPH RUPP-TURED HER SPLEEN
A 38-year-old Kentucky woman sued her doctor--a Kentucky medical
school graduate and basketball booster--for allegedly branding UK
on her uterus during a hysterectomy.

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE INCARCERATE?
Police in Omaha detained a 74-year-old man for taking pictures of
cheerleaders, and cheerleaders only, at high school basketball
games.

SAY "HEY!," KID
Devil Rays leftfielder Carl Crawford sprained his ankle
attempting to avoid a collision with the 10-year-old son of
general manager Chuck LaMar while shagging flies during batting
practice.

ONE THING THE MEDIA DID NOT BLOW OUT OF PROPORTION
The West Australian newspaper apologized to Australian Rules
football player Paul Hasleby for publishing a photograph of him
with his penis hanging out of his shorts.

THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED OFF THE NO JOKING SIGN
For yuks, a Delta charter pilot flying the Falcons to New York
announced over the intercom that Deion Sanders was on board
getting "tips" from embattled Atlanta coach Dan Reeves.

THE OLD MAN AND THE HYPOCRISY
Four days after Florida manager Jack McKeon ripped the Red Sox
for scoring 25 runs against his team, the Marlins scored 20
against the Braves.

DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DUI
Former Bears quarterback Jim McMahon, whose don't be a punk and
get drunk posters appear in bars and restaurants in Illinois, was
arrested for drunken driving in Florida.

THE GATORS ARE THE ONES WHO DON'T GO TO CLASS
The University of Florida, whose mascot is an alligator, put a
crocodile on the cover of its football media guide.

BEND IT LIKE BEKINS
The Hodges family moved from Truro, England, to Madrid because
David Beckham was transferred from Manchester United to Real
Madrid.

EVEN SO, SEVERAL COWBOYS COMPLAINED THAT THEY STILL WEREN'T
GETTING ENOUGH TOUCHES
Taylor said he frequently sent hookers to the hotel rooms of
visiting players on nights before a game.

MARKETING WHIZ, PART II
The cable superstation TBS installed "talking ads" in 500 bar
bathrooms that tell urinal users there are two prerequisites for
manhood: using the toilet standing up and watching "as much
college football as humanly possible."

BOWLING BALL STRIKES, SPARES WOMAN
A pedestrian in Greensboro, Ga., escaped with only a broken leg
after a bowling ball, run over by a road worker cutting grass,
shot out from beneath the vehicle's tire and hit her.

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE READ!...THIS GUY HAS AN EMPTY HEAD!"
After losing a football game to Tennessee, Miami tight end Kellen
Winslow told reporters, "It's war. They're out to kill you, so
I'm out there to kill them.... I'm a soldier."

"I DON'T KNOW BUT I HAVE HEARD!...FEW TEAM NICKNAMES MORE
ABSURD!"
On their official website, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers billed their
defensive stars as "Weapons of Mass Destruction."

BETTER RED THAN DEAD
Martin Warburton, a Manchester United fan, agreed to be a donor
for his brother's life-saving stem cell transplant on several
conditions: that the brother, a Manchester City fan, join a Man
United fan club; that he sign a contract renouncing his support
for City; and that he repaint his house red.

"MY BONNIE LIES OVER HIS TRANSCRIPT...."
The president of St. Bonaventure resigned when a basketball
transfer was revealed to have gained admission on the basis of a
welding certificate.

HOW HAD HE BEEN TAKING IT?
A few days after his team lost its playoff series to the Yankees,
Red Sox president Larry Lucchino said, "I've started taking food
orally again."

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZARCOLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR HEY, SAPP, GET OFF MY LAWN! Looking for ways to lower its tax burden, the Tampa SportsAuthority considered converting part of Raymond James Stadiuminto condos.COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR BUT I WOULDN'T MIND A LITTLE BIT OF THAT COMPLIMENTARY BALL-WASHING....Contemplating a fight in the Japanese sport of K-1--a combinationof karate, kung fu, kickboxing and taekwondo--Mike Tyson said, "Idon't really feel like getting kicked in the head, you know?"COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR AND IT'S PURPLE, AND IT WEIGHS EIGHT CARATS After being treated for a kidney stone, Lakers coach Phil Jackson said, "When the anesthesiologist leaned over me, he said, 'Wenamed your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing.'"COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR THROW ANOTHER SCRAP OF MY DIGNITY ON THE BARBIE While attending the Moscow-Utah Youth Games in Russia, the security chief of the 2002 Winter Olympics had his pocket picked.COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR BUT THE LEATHER LEDERHOSEN WERE PARCELLS'S IDEA Lawrence Taylor told 60 Minutes that he once came to a team meeting the night before a game wearing a pair of handcuffs afterthe key had been misplaced during a sexual misadventure.COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATIONS BY ZOHAR LAZAR HE GOT A "JERRY JONES" Danny, the Pekingese who defeated over 20,000 contestants atCrufts--the world's largest dog show--was alleged to have had afacelift.