The Show

January 19, 2004

Good to be here. Is it me, or does the Mars Rover look like the
cart that used to bring Joe Sambito in from the Astros' bullpen?

PANTHERS EXTRA-FRAME RAMS You know, I thought I had a great joke
about the end of this game, but I couldn't get it off in time.

Jeff Wilkins helped send the game into overtime when he recovered
his own onside kick. I haven't witnessed spin like that since the
ESPN broadcasters referred to Joe Namath as "happy."

SEVENTEEN-BELOW WINDCHILL IN FOXBORO New England edged the Titans
17-14 in the extreme cold. At one point Tom Brady kept his hands
in his pants for so long, he almost got flagged for violating the
tuck rule.

The Colts outpaced Kansas City 38-31. The Chiefs' D was so
nonexistent against Peyton Manning, after the game, they changed
the name of their home field to "Arrowhea Staium."

Indy is confident. For the last two weeks, punter Hunter Smith
has been on the sidelines wearing clogs.

Donovan McNabb passed for 248 yards and ran for 107 in the
overtime win over Green Bay to send Philadelphia to its third
straight NFC title game. And you thought Rush Limbaugh was in
pain before....

Elsewhere, the Redskins lured Joe Gibbs back. Gibbs has been out
of coaching for 12 years. To give you an idea of how long that
is, in 1992 Daniel Snyder was firing his homeroom teacher.

I think Joe may have been in NASCAR too long. He said his first
priority is taking the restrictor plate off the offense.

IN NEW BOOK PETE ROSE ADMITS HE BET ON BASEBALL WHILE MANAGING
THE REDS Finally, after 14 years, somebody mixed some sodium
pentathol with his hair dye.

The book is called My Prison Without Bars. I prefer the original
title, The Big Book of Vig.

I think Pete may have needed the money. Every chapter in the book
is Chapter 11.

Rose says he's still gambling. It's sad. He's 2-6 betting against
the Cougars on Playmakers. And three of those were repeat
episodes.

ISIAH THOMAS SHAKES UP MSG And he's not done making changes.
Tomorrow he's replacing all the strings on Don Chaney.

Thomas is desperate to class up the entire Knicks organization.
Starting Feb. 1, Marv Albert's trademark expression will be
"Oui!"

PHOENIX GOALIE BREAKS NHL RECORD The Coyotes' Brian Boucher went
332:01 without allowing a score. Long time. Hell, when the streak
started, he was wearing a Winnipeg Jets jersey.

Boucher broke the 55-year-old mark set by the Canadiens' Bill
Durnan. But to be fair, back then, NHL goalies played without
masks--and without Finns.

Boucher became the first goalie to get five consecutive shutouts
since they put in the red line in 1944. And if you know your
hockey, you know the red line was the brainchild of Ottawa
Senator Joe McCarthy.

LEGENDARY HORSE RACING COLUMNIST ANDY BEYER ACCEPTS VOLUNTARY
RETIREMENT PACKAGE FROM WASHINGTON POST This gives new meaning to
the expression "early money."

You know what's strange? My speed figures had him leaving at the
end of the month.

JUDGE SCHEDULES PRETRIAL HEARINGS FOR KOBE BRYANT FEB. 2-3 It was
supposed to be three days, but because of the prosecution's case
they canceled the slam dunk competition.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Spirit.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: JEFF WONG (ILLUSTRATION)

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)