The Show

February 02, 2004

Good to be here. Just back from Pete Rose's book signing at
Foxwoods. Next week he's heading to Vegas to see if he can get
his apology annulled.

AVERAGE PRICE FOR SUPER BOWL SPOT UP TO $2.25 MILLION CBS still
has time available. Which makes this a buy week.

By the way, get your bets down. The over-under on Super Bowl ads
with Snoop Dogg is 3 1/2. And the money line is 50 Cent.

Gillette is running its first Super Bowl ads in 10 years. It's
taken them that long to get over the ill-conceived 1994 campaign
promoting Bennie Blades.

Reliant Stadium's retractable roof will be rolled back for the
game, weather permitting. The roof takes 10 minutes to open. As
compared to Panthers tight end Jermaine Wiggins, who takes 10
minutes to get open.

PRESIDENT BUSH CALLS ON ATHLETES TO END USE OF PERFORMANCE
ENHANCING DRUGS Except, of course, those supplements manufactured
by Halliburton.

Bush is serious. Starting this spring, he's instituting mandatory
testing at the White House T-ball field.

During the State of the Union the President said there are no
shortcuts to accomplishment. Although a couple thousand defective
voting machines don't hurt.

Are you like me? Were you disappointed Bush didn't refer to
steroids as "weapons of muscle mass destruction?"

NASCAR CHANGES SCORING SYSTEM Starting this year you can only win
the overall championship in the last 2 1/2 months of the season.
In other words it's the exact opposite of the BCS.

The old method had flaws. Last year Winston Cup champ Matt
Kenseth won only one race, while Ryan Newman won eight races and
finished sixth. I think we've found another serious side effect
of long-term dependence on tobacco.

Internet fan polls were running 70% to 80% against the new
system. However, half of those people said they'd change their
minds for a Skoal Bandit windbreaker.

The fan polls may have been a little biased. The results were
based on the question, "Do you hate the new scoring system and/or
Jeff Gordon?"

NETS SOLD TO BROOKLYN DEVELOPER The team could be playing in a
new arena in Brooklyn by the end of 2006. Right around the time
jury selection is completed in the Jayson Williams trial.

You have to feel bad for New Jersey fans. Twenty-seven years of
indifference, and this is the thanks they get.

You can tell Brooklyn is excited about getting a team. The number
of Trans Ams in the parking lot of Continental Airlines Arena has
quadrupled.

CHESTER BREWER, BULLS MASCOT, ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY SELLING POT
OUT OF HIS CAR Police found six ounces of marijuana and a scale.
And this is a little lame: Brewer told them the scale was for
Weight Watchers, and his goal was to one day fit into the Phoenix
Suns' Gorilla costume.

This is cute. He dealt pot under the name Spliff Levingston.

Brewer's biggest seller was the "M-Jay." Two hits, and you think
about playing minor league baseball.

RANGERS OPEN CZECH BOOK FOR JAGR And I guess this isn't
surprising. Pending league approval, Washington's team will now
be known as the Hard Caps.

MCDONALD'S CUTS TIES WITH KOBE The decision came after a focus
group rejected a proposed menu item: the Egg McMistrial.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy The Jaggerz.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
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Eagle (-2)
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