The Show

February 09, 2004

Don't you love Justin Timberlake calling the Janet Jackson
incident a "wardrobe malfunction"? I believe that, and I also
believe that was really Neil Armstrong on the fake moon set.

RE-UP AND ADAM. PATS SUPER AGAIN The two defenses combined to
give up 61 points and 867 total yards. You know who made the most
adjustments at halftime? That guy who ran on the field naked
before the third-quarter kickoff.

Pass coverage on both sides was a little soft. Midway through the
third quarter Ricky Manning Jr. changed his name to Ricky Zoning
Jr.

So, is Stephen Davis with MoveOn.org? He wasn't allowed to run
during the Super Bowl either.

See that H&R Block spot? What, did the IRS put a lien on Willie
Nelson's self-esteem?

Houston went all out. The half-dollar they used for the coin toss
was the last piece of cash belonging to Andrew Fastow.

ROGER AND OUT IN OZ Australian Open champ Roger Federer became
the 23rd player to get the No. 1 ranking since the advent on the
ATP computer in 1973. Are you kidding? We've had that many No.
1's in college basketball since Thursday.

Disappointing tourney for the Americans. The only good news was
when Andy Roddick finally hit 160 mph. Unfortunately, it happened
driving to Melbourne Airport

INDIANS PITCHER ASKS FOR FORGIVENESS FOR PART IN JAPANESE GAY
PORN VIDEO Kaz Tadano made only one film while in college, where
he appeared under the name Joel Foreskinner.

Last year the 23-year-old reliever confessed to performing a
graphic act in the video but didn't say whether he was the setup
man or the closer.

Tadano told his teammates he was not a homosexual; he just needed
the money. This is painful, but I can relate. When I was 13 my
dad gave me two bucks to eat my Brussels sprouts.

JAZZ PUNISHED FOR DELIVERING JUNK MAILMAN The NBA fined the team
$15,000 for airing a comedy bit of a man impersonating Karl
Malone in the middle of a Utah-Lakers game. Uncanny impression.
The guy sounded so much like Malone, Greg Ostertag immediately
started complaining about his minutes.

Meanwhile, and I don't think this is necessary, Jason Kidd has
been claiming he has nothing to do with Donald Trump's firing
people on The Apprentice.

CAPS OWNER TED LEONSIS SETTLES WITH FAN Leonsis apologized
profusely for an incident in which he grabbed a season-ticket
holder and threw him down during a game with the Flyers. I
believe his exact words were, "I'm sorry I wasn't wearing my old
Chris Simon jersey."

OLYMPIC FIGURE SKATER VIKTOR PETRENKO CHARGED WITH DRUNKEN
DRIVING Petrenko failed several field sobriety tests, including
walking a straight Salchow and touching his nose with a camel
toe.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Steam.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR PHOTO: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)