Lexicon of the Links

February 23, 2004

In golf, if you can't talk the talk you probably can't walk the
walk. Getting the jargon right is proof that you do, indeed, live
a golfing life. The game's language, though, is always evolving.
For example, the phrase Never up, never in is out, while the term
chalupa (a green hit in regulation) is in. Here's an updated,
2004 golf glossary.

Ambulance: Beverage cart. Usage: "This six-pack is dead, Moe.
Call an ambulance for the back nine."

Bay of Pigs: Augusta National Golf Club.

Ben Affleck: A guy at the club who looks like a player, dresses
like a player and talks like a player, but can't play a lick.

Beta-blocker: Double Johnnie Walker Black on the rocks.

Blowfish: A golfer who chokes or bears a striking resemblance to
Mrs. Doubtfire.

Butter knife: Three-iron.

Candy: Money. Formerly: Jing.

Carl: Course superintendent. Usage: "Who's the Carl at this
place? If the greens get any slower, I'm switching to a
four-iron."

Checkered flag: To pick up when you're out of a hole. Usage: "I'm
lying 7, Ed. Gimme the checkered flag."

CIA: Hitting the wrong club due to incorrect yardage.

Condom: Headcover.

Clinton: A mulligan.

Coke: Beer.

Diet Coke: Light beer.

Diet Coke caffeine free: Diet Coke caffeine free.

Bob Dole: An expendable, beat-up ball. Usage: "You'll never clear
that lake, Larry. Don't waste a new Titleist, use a Bob Dole."

Droid: Caddie.

Empty a sleeve: Use the restroom.

French kiss: Swing and miss.

Grave digger: A player who inflates his handicap to win bets.
Formerly: Sandbagger.

Happy Gilmore: An openly gay golfer.

Hit a three-pointer: To three-putt. Usage: "I was two under until
I hit a three-pointer at 15."

Janet Jackson: A golfer whose fly is open.

Kennel: Municipal course.

Lieberman: A partner who doesn't help in a match. Usage: "I was
three under, but my partner was a total Lieberman and we lost two
ways."

Lifting weights: Postround drinking.

Machete: Lob wedge.

NASA: A misguided shot that is lost.

Ozzy Osbourne: A ball hit so far out-of-bounds that you have no
bleepin' idea where it is.

Picasso: A great shot. Usage: "Tiger hit a Picasso to two feet on
18."

Paramedic: Golf instructor.

Put the party hat on the dachshund: To be closed out in a match.
Usage: "I'm three down with two holes to play, Louie. It's time
to put the party hat on the dachshund."

Pete Rose: A golfer who lies about his score even though you know
he's lying and he knows you know he's lying.

Run a red light: To hit a putt well past the hole.

Russians: Red lateral-hazard stakes.

Saddam: A ball hidden in a bunker.

Spleen: Two-iron.

Trump: To fire a caddie. Usage: "He airmails the last green with
the seven-iron I suggested and is so mad he Trumps me on the
spot!"

Whine shampoo: To lose all bets.

WMD: Large-headed driver.

Yogurt: Sand.

Zoo: Portable toilet.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CUNEO Doggie sweater: A sleeveless sweater vest.

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)