The Show

February 23, 2004

Good to be here. Are you like me? Are you waiting for Rush
Limbaugh to say the dog who won best-in-show at Westminster is
overrated because he's black?

FATHER'S DAY-TONA FOR DALE JR. Earnhardt won the 500 for the
first time, finishing just ahead of Tony Stewart from Joe Gibbs
Racing. But to be fair, Stewart had to run the last 20 laps with
Mark Brunell in the backseat.

The race drew its fewest entrants in 10 years, only 45 cars. And
here's the really sad part: 18 of those were in President Bush's
motorcade.

Bush attended the Great American Race, and next month, he's going
to stand at the front gate of Talladega for two hours to complete
his National Guard commitment.

Bobby Labonte's number 18 Chevy featured an ad for The Passion of
the Christ. Honestly, didn't you think the car would drop out,
then come back and finish three days later?

This is fascinating. Labonte's crew couldn't put the signage on
the hood until Barabbas agreed to get off the intake manifold.

MIAMI'S TOP FOOTBALL RECRUIT WILLIE WILLIAMS CHARGED WITH
MISDEMEANOR BATTERY The Parade All-America linebacker allegedly
committed a felony and two misdemeanors just two days before his
18-month-probation term for burglary was due to end. Is it me, or
could this guy be easily fooled by the snap count?

School officials said they were unaware Williams had been
arrested 10 times between 1999 and 2002. Although they suspected
that something might be amiss when his letter of intent was
co-signed by a bail bondsman.

Williams has already accepted a scholarship, so this raises a
serious ethical question for Miami: Is a trainer allowed to tape
over an electronic ankle bracelet?

NBA ALL-STARS COLLATE AT STAPLES CENTER The young stars put on a
street-ball show during the Rookie Challenge game. My favorite
LeBron James dunk was the 360 with a marketing guy from Sprite on
his back.

For the first time, the NBA All-Star Game was broadcast in high
definition. What a difference. You could actually hear Mike
Fratello sniffing around for a job.

The Sixers fired coach Randy Ayers. Forget the Pearl Islands, how
about Survivor: Allen Iverson?

Rasheed Wallace is now an Atlanta Hawk. Wow. Is that the best
plea agreement his lawyer could come up with?

ALL PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT Help me out here. Was that to
spring training, or to the BALCO steroid indictments?

Barry Bonds's trainer pleaded not guilty to charges he provided
steroids to athletes. He has a pretty good defense: "If his
rookie hat fits, you must acquit."

ROTO FINISH? YANKS GRAB A-ROD The All-Star shortstop will move to
third base. And Derek Jeter will move from Elite Models to the
Ford Agency.

Elsewhere, an auction of items from Veterans Stadium raised
$700,000. I paid $75 for what I thought was a Steve Carlton rosin
bag. Turned out to be the Phillie Phanatic's spleen.

PATRIOTS TACKLE MATT LIGHT TO APPEAR ON QUEER EYE FOR THE
STRAIGHT GUY I guess he wants to work on his pass blocking.

GEORGE FOREMAN, 55, CONSIDERS COMEBACK Insiders say he's furious
about the new Klitschko Brothers Hibachi.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Every Mother's Son.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)