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The Show

March 01, 2004
March 01, 2004

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March 1, 2004

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The Show

I need to check with City Hall, but I believe right now that the
only two men in San Francisco trying to break up are Barry Bonds
and his personal trainer.

This is an article from the March 1, 2004 issue Original Layout

GARY BARNETT GOES TO THE FAR SIDELINE The Colorado football coach
was placed on administrative leave. Yeah, in the same way Elvis
is on administrative leave.

Memo to the university's Board of Regents: While you're at it,
you may want to think of a new nickname to replace "Buffs."

Maybe I dreamed this, but the other day, at the end of The Price
Is Right, I could have sworn I heard Bob Barker urge people to
spay or neuter their returning lettermen.

SCOUTING COMBINE TELEVISED ON NFL NETWORK Just to jazz things up,
they added three lifelines to the Wonderlic test.

Maurice Clarett announced he would skip the combine workouts.
However, next month he'll conduct a private session in Columbus,
where he'll vertical-leap three federal judges.

RANGERS TO ASSUME MORE THAN A THIRD OF A-ROD'S SALARY You know
the only good thing about eating $67 million? No carbs.

But don't kid yourself. This trade has all kinds of financial
windfalls for the Rangers. Just yesterday, demand at The Ballpark
souvenir shop forced them to order three more Hank Blalock
jerseys.

Red Sox fans are still distraught over the deal. I heard Ben
Affleck was furious. I missed it because his reaction went
straight to video.

CHRIS WEBBER SERVES EIGHT-GAME SUSPENSION He had been on the
injured list since last year's playoffs. First, he underwent
surgery to repair torn cartilage in his left knee; then, just as
he recovered from that, his meniscus was found in contempt.

Elsewhere, Rasheed Wallace was pulled in his debut for the
Pistons because the NBA hadn't received documentation of the
trade. On the bright side, it's a nice change to have the league
looking for papers, instead of Rasheed.

Speaking of which, technically, shouldn't Rasheed's Hawks jersey
be considered a throwback?

A man who attacked the Magic's mascot last Friday was charged
with battery and resisting arrest. It took police three stun gun
shots before they were able to drag him out of the O-rena. And he
still wasn't as tough to move as Juwan Howard.

PENGUINS SET NHL RECORD WITH 14 STRAIGHT HOME LOSSES Mario
Lemieux is so desperate, he's now looking for available rinks in
San Juan.

Elsewhere, Brett Hull tied the career record for power-play
goals. Savvy fans at Joe Louis Arena gave him a standing ovation
that lasted just under two minutes.

In his State of the NHL address, commissioner Gary Bettman said
revenue sharing would be a necessity. I'm no Sam Waksal, but
before you have have revenue sharing, wouldn't it be nice to have
a, uh, profit?

GEORGE FOREMAN AGREES TO $20 MILLION COMEBACK BOUT DEAL It's a
tentative, verbal agreement with Don King. A tentative, verbal
agreement with Don King? Milk of magnesia is more binding.

NBA STORE REMOVES SWEATSHIRTS MADE IN MYANMAR You can always tell
the items from Burma. The NBA logo is a silhouette of Jerry West
at a sewing machine.

AUGUSTA NATIONAL RAISES PRICES FOR TUESDAY MASTERS PRACTICE
ROUNDS FROM $21 TO $31 But ladies drink free.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Uriah Heep.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG