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The Show

March 08, 2004
March 08, 2004

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March 8, 2004

High School Basketball
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The Show

Well, I guess this isn't surprising: Steinbrenner just signed
Peter Jackson.

This is an article from the March 8, 2004 issue Original Layout

SELIG LIMITS CLUBHOUSE ACCESS TO AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY Sounds
like somebody didn't get his Oscar comps from Billy Crystal.

Wait a minute. You mean all of a sudden Dr. Phil can't pop by and
help Jeff Weaver with his control?

Meanwhile, have you seen photos of Jason Giambi lately? If he
goes down another size, he's going to have to change his name to
Jason Giambi-Hilton.

Giambi's teammate Bernie Williams will miss at least three weeks
recovering from an emergency appendectomy. Grady Little wanted to
leave it in.

Former MLB umpire Al Clark pleads guilty to conspiracy to commit
mail fraud. And what are the odds of this? He was busted by an
undercover QuesTec machine.

One buyer became suspicious when he received a ball allegedly
used in Cal Ripken's 2,131st consecutive game, signed by Ripken,
Lou Gehrig and Teresa Wright.

So please, if you feel you have been victimized by this scam,
contact Clark through his new business manager, Denny McLain.

MARK CUBAN TO HOST REALITY SHOW ABC is calling the show The
Benefactor. I guess My Big Fat Obnoxious Fine Recipient was
taken.

I hear that each week Cuban will eliminate one contestant. Or a
guy in the NBA office.

Elsewhere, the league suspended referee Michael Henderson for
three games after he blew a crucial call in Denver that helped
the Lakers. Hmmm.... Is that enough for a mistrial?

The Magic signed Desmond Penigar to another 10-day contract.
He'll be tried at small forward, and at long snapper for Tracy
McGrady.

WOODS HAS NO MATCH AT WORLD MATCH PLAY CHAMPIONSHIP The only
disappointment for Tiger came at the award ceremony, when
Accenture refused to make the giant $1.2 million check out to
Carl Spackler.

Davis Love III played 114 holes over the five days. Or, as it's
known in golf vernacular, an O.J. Getaway Weekend.

The whole tournament setup was kind of bogus. Come on. Sixty-four
seeds, and no St. Joe's?

MIKE TYSON DECLARES BANKRUPTCY He claims that in the month of
November 2003, his entire income was $5.68. And that included a
mail-in rebate from Purina Tiger Chow.

It's not all bad news. Thanks to the Bush tax cut, he only owes
71 cents.

CAPITALS TRADE SCORING LEADER ROBERT LANG TO RED WINGS The Caps'
marketing department is already in full damage control. On March
18, all fans 15 and under will receive a coupon good for a free
swing at Ted Leonsis.

ESPN GREENLIGHTS ORIGINAL MOVIE ABOUT PETE ROSE Preproduction
gets underway as soon as the 10-gallon drum of red hair dye
arrives at Brian Dennehy's house.

BRITISH SPRINTER BANNED FROM OLYMPICS FOR LIFE AFTER TESTING
POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS European 100-meter champion Dwain Chambers
was linked to now infamous BALCO. Of course when he did business
with them, they were known by their original name, THG Fridays.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Thompson Twins.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG