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March 15, 2004
March 15, 2004

Table of Contents
March 15, 2004

High School Sports
  • Thanks to a selfless coach, the sons of Mexican migrants in a dirt-poor California town turned their backs on drugs and gangs and built an athletic dynasty. But what would they do without him?

The Show

Before we begin, program reminder: Don't miss ESPN's Dream Job.
This week they vote off Michael Eisner.

This is an article from the March 15, 2004 issue Original Layout

WASHINGTON RUINS STANFORD'S PERFECT SEASON That erasing sound you
hear is Rick Neuheisel reworking his brackets.

Elsewhere in college basketball Georgia Tech ended Duke's 41-game
home winning streak. As if that weren't bad enough, after the
game 15 Cameron Crazies tested positive for Ritalin.

Ten more and they have to legally change their name to the
Cameron Chemically Imbalanced.

CAVS GIVE AWAY 10,000 LEBRON JAMES BOBBLEHEADS The LeBron doll is
a little different. The head bobbles as he counts his money.

LeBron's teammate, center Ruben Boumtje Boumtje, is still on the
injured list. He's been experiencing tightness in his left
boumtje.

The Hawks' Terry Stotts is now the longest tenured coach in the
East. But who knows? Yesterday G.M. Billy Knight had the phone
company install Dick Motta Waiting.

REPORT ALLEGES BONDS, SHEFFIELD AND JASON GIAMBI RECEIVED
STEROIDS FROM BALCO They were delivered by a 7-foot, 400-pound
FedEx guy.

Players' union executive Gene Orza claims steroids are no worse
than cigarettes. Except that with steroids, the only thing you
light up is the Tigers' bullpen.

John Smoltz is demanding tougher testing for steroids. Like what,
an essay question?

You know what's sad? Even if all the allegations are false, no
one is going to look at a Marvin Benard ground rule double the
same way again.

Are you like me? You want to put on muscle while lowering your
body fat, but you can't stand that human growth hormone
aftertaste?

I once saw a vial of human growth hormone. On the side there was
a warning: "Keep out of reach of Muggsy Bogues."

In other baseball news, at The Ballpark in Arlington gift shop, a
life-sized cutout of Alex Rodriguez has been marked down from $25
to $15. Actually, it's still $25, but Tom Hicks pays the other
$10.

RANGERS BEAT CAPITALS 3-2 Big win. It means the Rangers move on
to the first round of the AHL playoffs.

I don't want to say the Blueshirts have shut it down, but
starting next week the part of Jaromir Jagr will be played by
John Stamos.

49ERS MAKE ALL KINDS OF CHANGES They dealt Terrell Owens,
released Jeff Garcia and now they're thinking about allowing the
field judge at 3Com Park to perform gay weddings.

Bad week for TO. First he threatened to file a grievance over his
trade to Baltimore, then he found out his agent missed the
deadline to text-message his vote for American Idol.

Meanwhile the Bengals named Carson Palmer their starting QB even
though the former Heisman winner did not take a snap last year.
Apparently Marvin Lewis is impressed with how he's hitting his
long irons.

The Raiders parted ways with linebacker Bill Romanowski. Let me
guess. Pharmaceutical differences?

NFL EXTENDS SPONSORSHIP DEAL WITH GATORADE However, Gatorade must
discontinue its new flavor, Andro Blast.

TRANSSEXUAL PLAYS IN WOMEN'S GOLF TOURNAMENT Here's what I don't
get. Martha Burk is demanding the gal be allowed to play the
front nine at Augusta.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy the Del Fuegos.

Bill Scheft is the head monologue writer for the Late Show with
David Letterman.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG