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March 22, 2004
March 22, 2004

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March 22, 2004

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The Show

Just came from NASCAR 3D: The IMAX Experience. Talk about
realistic! You're only allowed to go to the men's room when
they're running under yellow.

This is an article from the March 22, 2004 issue Original Layout

"BIG DANCE" CARD FILLED Did you see the NCAA selection show? Or,
as CBS calls it, CSI: RPI.

Despite an 18-10 record, Colorado did not make the tournament.
That may be a blessing. These days the school might want to stay
away from the term "at large."

PLAYERS UNION OFFERS DONALD FEHR NEW CONTRACT It's $2.5 million a
year for three more years. Or three more witch hunts, whichever
comes first.

I believe for his new deal to be approved, Fehr needs a majority.
Well, we know he's got at least 5-7% of the vote.

Last week Fehr and Bud Selig appeared on Capitol Hill during a
hearing on performance enhancement drugs in sports. Fehr was
attacked so strongly by Senator John McCain, you would have
thought one of the side effects of steroids was soft money.

Meanwhile, the FDA banned the sale of androstenedione. Now the
only way you can buy it over the counter is in a new breakfast
cereal, "McGwire Jacks."

The 23 companies that make andro must stop selling it by the
second week of April. Good move. The last thing you want to see
is the Easter Bunny with huge pecs.

In other baseball news Garth Brooks singled in a spring training
game for the Royals. Pretty impressive: His hit came two pitches
after he'd been knocked down by LeAnn Rimes.

The Marlins' championship rings were unveiled last week. Each
ring contains 229 diamonds, one for each fan who still remembers
Jeff Torborg.

The Marlins received requests for rings from 12 former Expos
limited partners who are suing majority owner Jeffrey Loria. He
told them to be patient. They're on the sizing list, just after
Wayne Huizenga and the late Carl Barger.

TAGLIABUE CANCELS NEXT YEAR'S NFL KICKOFF CONCERT Too bad. Steven
Tyler of Aerosmith was planning a scarf malfunction.

Ty Law is anxious to get out of New England. Today he showed up
in Baltimore and offered to take Terrell Owens's physical.

TRACY MCGRADY GOES OFF FOR 62 POINTS Amazingly, the Orlando
scoring machine missed 10 of his last 11 shots. And that was
after Darrell Imhoff had fouled out.

Portland guard Damon Stoudamire passed a random drug test at the
request of a local sports columnist. What a relief. The last
thing you'd want to hear is that his sample was taken out of
context.

Several teams are reportedly interested in Dennis Rodman after
his Long Beach Jam won the ABA league championship. Rodman is
serious about an NBA comeback. He's already changed his name to
Paul Pierced.

THIRTY-TWO PLAYERS CHANGE TEAMS BEFORE NHL TRADE DEADLINE Ron
Francis waived his no-trade clause and was dealt from Carolina to
Toronto. He wanted to finish his career in a place with less
snow.

Elsewhere, the Rangers obtained Sandy McCarthy off waivers from
the Bruins. Nice to see this salary dump has a recycling bin.

TONYA HARDING APPEARS AT MINOR LEAGUE HOCKEY GAME The former
Olympic skater put on a boxing exhibition. Fans were
disappointed. They thought she'd be between the pipes.

NEW YORK CITY CONDUCTS DISASTER DRILL AT SHEA STADIUM Remember,
the drill does not start until you hear the P.A. announcer say,
"Now pitching, number 49, Armando Benitez...."

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Musical Youth.

Bill Scheft waits 20 minutes after eating before entering his
NCAA office pool.

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG