The Show

March 29, 2004

Before we begin, by applause, how many of you remember when March
Madness referred to spring break at the Kennedy compound?

MLB AND THE PLAYERS' UNION AGREE TO BAN DESIGNER STEROID THG In a
related story Clearasil is six weeks from perfecting a cream for
hamstring acne.

Ken Caminiti is in Padres camp as a special instructor. The first
day he worked with young players, teaching them how to hit a
specimen jar off a batting tee.

The Phillies have acknowledged that Citizens Bank Park may not be
completely finished by April 3. They're going to need at least
another week to put up the rubber walls in Larry Bowa's office.

The new ballpark may have some temporary portable concession
stands. Does this mean we'll get to see Roberto Hernandez come in
from the bullpen on a hot dog cart?

ALABAMA UPENDS NO. 1 STANFORD Speaking of the Crimson Tide,
anyone seen Billy Packer's face lately?

Packer's favorite dis, Saint Joseph's, advanced to the Sweet 16
with a victory over Texas Tech. After the defeat Bobby Knight was
gracious, he was respectful, he was courteous to the media....
Wait a minute. Does that doctor from Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind have an office in Buffalo?

Elsewhere in Round 2, Wake Forest edged upstart Manhattan. Close
game. During the last timeout Manhattan coach Bobby Gonzalez
tried to get Sebastian Telfair to sign a letter of intent.

Cincinnati's Tony Bobbitt hit a three-pointer with 16 seconds
left to help the Bearcats avoid elimination in the opener. That
was six days after he was punched in the groin by DePaul's LeVar
Seals. What is it about guys named Bobbitt and that, uh, region?

Meanwhile, former Iowa State basketball coach Larry Eustachy has
been talked about for the job at Texas A&M. Eustachy's a changed
man. He plans to show up for interviews with a photo of himself
and three nuns tapping a keg of Snapple.

T.O. GETS W-A-Y New Eagles wide receiver Terrell Owens has
promised to tone down some of his antics. Which raises the
question: Do Sharpies come in muted colors?

Warren Sapp signed a seven-year deal with the Raiders the day
after it looked as if he was headed to the Bengals. Someone must
have told him black was even more slimming than stripes.

Jeff Garcia was sentenced to seven days in a work-release program
after pleading guilty to DUI. And I don't get this. Butch Davis
says he wants Kelly Holcomb to do the last 3 1/2 days.

ALLEN IVERSON BENCHES HIMSELF AFTER NONSTART Not only that, he
told himself he wouldn't play again until he made a commitment to
not show up for practice.

Iverson sat out last week's Sixers loss against the Pistons.
Detroit fans were so angry they tried to recall Chris Ford.

During the game Iverson paid a ball boy to bring him nachos on
the bench. What is he, nuts? Everyone knows to get the pizza at
the Palace.

Rick Adelman became the winningest coach in Kings history,
surpassing Les Harrison. Be honest. How many of you thought Les
Harrison was the guy in My Fair Lady?

ESPN AND NHL IN NEGOTIATIONS OVER NEW TV CONTRACT And this is a
little lame. Gary Bettman is claiming that with a lockout it'll
be much easier for viewers to follow the puck.

Raptors fire dance-team member after discovering she posed on an
adults-only Internet site. I haven't seen the site, but I
understand she stays with her man better than Vince Carter.

My time is up. You've been great. Enjoy Rockwell.

Bill Scheft was the brains behind the rejected Portland Trail
Blazers ad campaign, "I Courtney Love this game!"

COLOR ILLUSTRATION: ILLUSTRATION BY JEFF WONG

HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
OUT
HOLE YARDS PAR R1 R2 R3 R4
IN
Eagle (-2)
Birdie (-1)
Bogey (+1)
Double Bogey (+2)